crazy

many friends think that i'm crazy.

it all came into my mind when i stumbled upon sundown marathon website. when was the last time i did a marathon? 2006? 2007? gosh, i dun even remember. i only know that as the registration fees got higher and higher, my heart turned colder and colder. but this time round, i thought otherwise. i started to recall the days when i did the marathon. i wasn't a fantastic runner, but i really like the feeling that i finished the run, it was an indication that i was fit and healthy.

but now... can i? for a moment, i was so tempted to sign up. u know that feeling? "f***! just do it!". then i thought of a friend's comment on running the marathon. he said,"whenever i ran a marathon, halfway through i will ask myself, what the f*** am i doing here? why the f*** am i paying money to torture myself like this?" yes, 'regret' is the word. i dun wan to sign up impulsively and then regret later. moreover, my regret may be far greater than this.

for the past few months, i'd been very 'contented' with my 5km run. i wish i could go further than this, but my dry mouth didn't allow it to happen, and i really hate the idea of running with hydration belt. it is so uncomfortable! and the degenerated nerves, i realised that it happened after fatique, the further i ran, next day the stronger is the electric-shock feeling. see? not i dun wan, it's i cannot...

i'd been thinking for a few days. then that morning, i woke up early for a run, i told myself if i could do a 10km slow jog, i'll sign up for the marathon. i jogged real slow at my favourite route along geylang river towards marina reservoir, then u-turn back home and i made it. mouth fully dried up but i did not vomit.

i got very excited after that. i never expect myself to be able to do a 10km again after going through so much. i started to dream that my health condition could be restored to the state before i had my chemo and radio treatment. i had cancer, i may die the next time it come to me, but who won't die? even if i dun run the marathon, does it mean that it will not come back? 

i had no choice and i got cancer, but to live like a cancer patient or a normal person, the choice is mine. i dun wan to die on the bed, if i have to die, let me die in a run.

so, i signed up.

tour

it's been so long i last updated this blog. the past 2 months had been quite peaceful for me.


i dunno how to consider myself "got over" the demised of my father. i hardly think about it anymore, as if he'd left us for many years. i set up a picture of him in a corner of my house, every morning and every evening, i'll offer him a joss stick, wishing him wherever he is, safe, peace and happy. i did it until it has become a routine, i can look into his picture, stare at him with no grief. i thought i did so well until...


that night i was playing with my mobile phone. i went into my sms sent message folder to delete old sent messages and i read this msg which i wrote to my wife "i'll be late, my dad is in critical condition". it all came so suddenly and really caught me unprepared, my tears just flowed out for no reason. and u know when did this happen? when i was in cambodia enjoying my tour. 


i deleted the message with no second thought.


yes, i went cambodia for tour with my wife. frankly speaking, i wasn't very confident to go for a tour before i go. in fact before my trip, i asked the doctor if it's ok for me to travel. the doctor wasn't too sure how to answer my question, but can tell from her facial expression that things seems to be moving too fast for me. she expected half year after treatment i should still be resting at home!


i had a few concerns.


1) my dry mouth. though it'd been improved, but i still need to wet my mouth hourly, if not it would be too dry for me to talk. 


2) i became very worried when i thought of myself sitting in the airplane. remember? i was claustrophobic. i dunno if i'll turn hysterical if i realised i'm enclosed in the aeroplane.


3) not sure if i'd mentioned before. after my treatment, i'd been getting this electric shock feeling to the lower limbs when i turn my head. according to the doctor, this is one side effect some radiation patients are getting, except that i'm getting it much earlier. i asked the doctor if this will deteriorate, the doctor refused to answer. i was on Vit B12 supplements for the past 4 months.


the trip turned out to be quite an enjoyable one. i brought along a "camel-bak" (hydration bag in bag-pack) which i initially purchased for my marathon training. the camel-bak was fully utilised. it allowed me to carried 1.5 litre of water without obstructing my motion. when i need water, all i need to do is to suck at the feeding tube, how convenient! i did not go hysterical in the airplane. i even challenged myself by locking myself inside the lavatory for quite a while. i won't say i enjoy the flight (cos i never enjoy flying), but it wasn't the worst one i had. to my surprise, the electric shock feeling seems to recover despite the amount of walking we had. now it only comes back occasionally after i did my run.


it sounds silly, but that's really how i feel. i'm glad that i'm able to go for tour just like anybody. i feel myself a step closer to a normal life.


my cambodia trip:　http://chenla.blogspot.com

happy new year

2010 is the worst year i had in my life. i'm not superstitious to see this as an inauspicious number, i just can't help relating it to all the painful memories.

just finished watching a hk drama series: When A Dog Loves A Cat. Gallen Lo was a NPC patient. After treatment, he had some good times and then the cancer relapsed, infected the lungs and shortened his life to just a 6 month period. initially, he was depressed and upset over his misery life. he realised that it didn't help in changing the situation, so he lived with it, changed his attitude and spent his remaining days meaningfully.

it's just a show and it's exaggerated to contrast the changed in his life before and after the cancer relapsed. still, this can happen to me, anytime. i'm not fearful of death, but i'm 100% intimidated by the power of Cancer. from the day my dad fell unconscious at home to the day he departed, it took less than 25 days. anything is possible, for life is so unpredictable.

i asked myself, if today my doctor told me my cancer relapsed and i'm left with half a year, what will i do. it didn't take me much consideration to come out with this answer: i'll go back to work, save more money for my family before i leave them.