D Day

we woke up at 0600 in the morning. a little bit lack of sleep, we washed up and left home at 0645.

since day 1 my diagnosis till today, this is the first time my wife keep me company to the hospital.

the clinic took quite a long while to process incoming patients. though we were there punctually, my blood sample was taken at 0800 and i only got to see the doctor at around 1000. Dr. DL was on leave, what a disappointment. the lady doctor who stood in for Dr. DL didn't seems to bother much.

anyway, i didn't expect much from this consultation either. after 3 wks of break, it is only reasonable that my body should be ready for chemo. so as expected, i may proceed with the chemo tomorrow.

becos this stupid doctor was late, we didn't get enough time to grab a bite. after the consultation, we gotto rush to department of radiation oncology (which happened to be quite far from ncc) for my radiotherapy. good thing is i didn't need to wait long. bad thing is of course, my radiotherapy started.

the radio room is like a den to me, and i'm the lion going to be tied in the den. the entrance looks like a huge cave with some kind of automatic door just like the one mentioned in alibaba story.

i was directed into the room, removed my headdress, and lied down on a platform. the 2 radiographers tied the mask to my head, no blind fold, no infusion, except no movement during the process. any discomfort, raise the hand, they have surveillance cameras monitoring the room.

i wasn't that nervous compared to the MRI scan. this time i tried to focus on my fingers and toes. at least they were movable. then... the treatment started.

20 minutes was indeed a bit too long. i thought maybe writing something would be a good way to keep myself occupied. then i started to write The Heart Sutra (with my finger, on the platform). this turned out to be a very good solution. i remained very calm after i wrote the entire sutra once. then i continued to write it the second time. halfway thru the second time, 20 minutes up. no panic attack, no anxiety. my first session of radio finished just like that. during the process, no pain, no discomfort.

after the process, just feeling very tired. took a 2hrs afternoon nap, but didn't seems to help much. i wasn't too sure whether it's due to the therapy or becos woke up too early in the morning. maybe i'll know the answer after a few more sessions.

D-1

tomorrow.

i had quite a peaceful week especially during the day time. past few nights been having some nightmares. not directly related to my illness. perhaps subconsciously i'm quite fearful of what's going to happen tomorrow, just that i didn't realise it.

today, i jovially bid farewell to all my colleagues. it's my official last day of work. tomorrow i'll be getting a straight 2 months hospitalisation leave from the doctor, then post it back to office. i can feel how much my colleagues want me to stay. it's been almost 5 years i worked in the company. throughout the 5 years, i'd never utilise a single day of medical leave. never expect the first hit would be so hard.

my wife insists going with me tomorrow. actually i think it's not necessary. and i think i'll feel better if she doesn't come with me. ncc is not a place pple will like to visit. frankly speaking, whenever i was there waiting, i feel quite gloomy. whenever i was unhappy, i prefer to be alone.

tomorrow my day will start early. i'm leaving my hse at 0645. my blood test is 0730. this blood test is the same as those i did before chemo. it's actually meant for thursday chemo. 0915 i'll be seeing Dr. DL, he'll tell me whether I'm good to go for my phase 2 chemo on thursday. 1045 i'll be starting my very first radiotherapy.

i guess the first few days should be alright for me and i'm hoping that the side effects will only come in after 2 wks (which i think is a bit difficult). oh... btw, i didn't hit my target. my weight is recorded to be 73.9kg as of this afternoon. since radio is going to start, i'm stopping my junk-food eating w.e.f tmr.

waiting

i'm trying very hard to enjoy the every minute of waiting. life is so wonderful when i'm not required to go hospital, no chemo, and 100% good appetite.

pple around me has been falling sick. my parents, my colleagues, my sister. even pple who took the same bus or train as me. always hear pple coughing non-stop around me. despite the low immunity, i'm still healthy. other than my bald head and sparse eyebrows, i seems to look better than anybody around me.

i'm now 72.5kg, and there's a tendency to increase further before i start my phase 2. i set an easy target: 75kg by next wednesday.

life is not so perfect for me. i can no longer jog 5km (but i'm still jogging every alternate day). my heart is beating 30% faster than before (due to the low blood count). i get tired very easily, in fact i can sleep faster than 大雄 (大雄 can fall asleep by the count of 3, i fall asleep even before the counting starts). i'm not bothered by all these. 顺其自然. should i ever be bothered, it'll be the BIG thing that's going to happen next wk.

if u ask me how i'm feeling now, i feel like 17 yrs ago, 1 wk before i reported for army.

i wish my remaining 1 wk would be peaceful and undisturbed.