fear

deep in my heart, there's something that i'd been trying hard to avoid thinking about it.

some of my friends suggested i should do a count down. that should helps motivate myself during the tough time. thanks for your support and ur heart. i know u guys hv been keeping me in mind. but there's something u dunno.

yes, logically, i'm left with only 3 sessions of chemo, 12 sessions of radio, everything is going to finish in 3 weeks time. if i was in army, this would be my ORD date, if i was in ranger course, this should be considered end of my hell week. but dear friends, this is not.

who can guarantee after these i'll be remitted? who can guarantee after all these, all the side effects will be fully subsided? who can guarantee even if i got remitted, in the next 1,2,3,4,5 yrs there'll be no relapsed?

u know what is cancer? wiki says cancer is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth, invasion and sometimes metastasis. those cells r mine. u know how strong and fit i used to be? u know how difficult this thing developed in me? u know how difficult to kill these fuckers? they r not normal cancer cells, they r cancer cells in a fucking big tough man. i'm still alive, how would they die so easily? if the doctor tells me, "err... we didn't manage to kill the beast this round, i think we need to do these all over again." how do u think i'll react?

i'm scared. damn fucking scared. so scared i think i would pee my pants if i dreamed about it at night. dear friends, do u understand?

i know, it's something beyond our control, better not to think abt it. why count down? what is there to look forward to?

frustration

my appetite got worsen. i got too sick over the bland taste resulting me to feel nauseated whenever i eat my food.

my throat got worsen. it was more painful than last week. the dryness can be feel even without swallowing the saliva. i dun feel like talking anymore. i wish i dun hv to talk to anybody, not even to my wife. some times i feel like telling her to shut up though she's just trying to find topics to cheer me up.

my stamina got worse. i now walk slower than my wife. i shoke her hand off this morning becos i felt that she was walking too fast. i had problem climbing a flight of 20 steps.

i started to get ringing in the ears. it seems to get worse over time. the ringing sometimes got so irritating i will just cover my ears as if the noise came from outside not from inside. the doctor said that this is something he can't help. can only hope that it'll slowly subside after the treatment (it may not subside).

my nose keeps bleeding for the past few days. in my nose i got plenty of blood clot which badly obstruct my breathing. whenever i try to clear the clot, it'll bleed again until new clot is formed.

i lost another kg this week. now i need to stuff all my belongings in the pocket to measure 67kg. doctors were very unhappy about my weight but there's nothing much i can do. i'd oredi tried my very best to eat. based on my current condition, i think i'm oredi eating beyond my capability.

physically i'm still coping quite well. psychologically i feel like shit. real shit. i forget abt giving up. not becos i dun feel like giving up, but i should hv give up in the beginning. now that i'd come to this stage, there's no turning back. LL must finish it.

drugs

my first line of defense was broken when i decided to take some drugs for pain relief. i wasn't trying to be a hero. all the while i refused to take drugs becos i knew one day i'll need it. i dun wan the day to come so soon. today, when i was doing my chemo, a man who is oso suffering from NPC but came in about a week later than me, he is oredi on morphine everyday. the nurse told him to be prepared for a feeding tube inserted into his throat once he got constipation.

i dun wan that. i can't imagine how it feels to hv something dangling in the throat, swinging swaying when i walk around.

to date, i was prescribed with whole bagful of medicine. different kind of anti-nausea pills, pain killers, lozenges, "appetizer" (to stimulate the appetite), laxative pills, "asshole poker" (to be poked into my own asshole when i hv constipation), anesthetic gel etc etc. i doubt the drugs r going to improve my quality of life in any way.

today, i decided to give up and try something. the reason for my giving up is becos as of today, i gave up everything with menthol or mint. i can no longer stand even very little bit of mint. it cut deep into my tongue and the pain lasted hours. last night after i brushed my teeth, my entire face turned pale, i was sweating. something stronger would probably knocked me out in the toilet. then i'll be the first man in history, admitted A&E becos of brushing teeth. so today i changed my toothpaste. i'm now using the children toothpaste, blueberry flavor. hahaha...

no more lozenges, meaning i got to throw away all the fisherman's friend, ricola, woods peppermint lozenges etc. so now i must look for alternative. i picked the anesthetic gel prescribed by Dr. DL. the drug name is xylocaine viscous solution. the instruction by doctor was 2 teaspoonful, but the box indicated 1-2 teaspoon. so i tried with 1 teaspoon.

it taste like... sorry, beyond description. i'd nvr taste something like that before. it's not bitter, it's more unpleasant than bitter. really, beyond description.

the effect, steady. in 10 minutes time, the mouth down to the throat no longer belongs to me. 100% cold and numb. i can shout louder than the NDP parade commander. i can eat kentucky fried chicken, swallow the whole piece of chicken without chewing it. the "magic" lasted only half hour.

yes magic, real magic. although the feeling that the mouth no longer belongs to me wasn't that great, i suffer no pain for that half hour. i eat my food like my normal days (except it's tasteless).

i dunno how to thank Dr. DL. yes, 对症下药. i dun need "appetizers", i dun need pain killers which r going to cause me constipation, i'm no fucking gay and i dun enjoy poking my own asshole. the radiation doctors were not answering to my calls.

Dr. DL is great. i didn't tell him much. i just told him that i no longer eat so well becos of all the sores in the mouth and throat. he didn't even tell me he was going to give me these. i only knew it when the pharmacist passed it to me.

if i'm going to use this before my every meal (i'll still try not to), i will never lose weight, and i consider my quality of life to hv GREATLY improved.