phobia

i was reminded a few times yesterday that today i need to fast for 4 hours before i do my CT simulation at 10am. during the last reminder, the nurse even stick a piece of paper on my appointment card which i found it so silly and redundant. i felt like telling the nurse, "i have cancer, not alzheimer."

this morning i woke up at 7am. happily brought my mug to the refrigerator, poured a mug of cold powerberries juice. i saw the bread my maid prepared quietly sitting on the kitchen bench. i grabbed it and i toke a bite.

by the time i "recovered" from my "alzheimer", it was too late. half the bread and half mug of powerberries juice already in my stomach. frankly speaking i really dunno why i'd become so muddle-headed. i felt so sorry for myself. i called ncc at 9am, and told the nurse about my problem. the nurse said the fasting is due to some patients having side effects on the medication taken during the simulation. since i did not hv any side effects previously, it may not apply to me.

phew! so i need not reschedule my appointment.

CT simulation is more relaxing. they even had a music player in the laboratory. it made me wonder if the music is for the staff or for the patient.

they (2 girls) spent a few minutes trying to get me into "position", adjusting my shoulder, neck, head to align with the green laser beams. then they took out... the MASK!

shit... i guess now i really hv some phobia with this piece of shit. the moment i saw it made me palpitate. one of the girl seems to observe my uneasiness, she said, "just close ur eyes, the simulation last only 10 minutes."

ya, 10 minutes isn't very long. if i can't even make it for the 10 minutes, how to go thru the 33 sessions of radiotherapy which requires me to put on the mask for about 25 minutes? if it's a phobia, i definitely need to overcome it.

i dunno if distraction is the best solution for this. but it seems to work if i'm able to distract my thinking from the surrounding. i tried to relax my body, think of how am i going to spend the long weekend. think of friends whom i'd not seen for a long time (yes, including u). surprisingly i did not encounter any difficulty throughout the entire 10 minutes. i remained very still even after the simulation, until i was instructed to get up. maybe it's the blindfolding that caused the problem? maybe it's the pounding noise from the MRI machine? maybe i'm magnetic?

anxiety disorder

today i had two appointments in NCC.

the first one is for remaking of the mask. the mask is made of special material and the purpose is to ensure that during radiotherapy, my head would be secured in position to the radiation.

as i said, remaking. initially before i decided to take part in the trial treatment plan, they made me a mask. since that was before my chemotherapy, i was still full of hair. this time, my head is round like an egg shell. logically, the mask made from the previous time should be slightly too big, but to everybody surprise, it fits on tightly to my head. owe to my effort in eating, i'd gained 4kg.

the girls were very happy (the 3 "facial" specialists). as their first customer of the day, i'm definitely an task to accomplish.

no remaking is needed, only some minor modifications.

the next appointment, exactly same location: radiation oncology, is MRI. i'd done this before too, and i hate it. i still remember the previous time i did the MRI, i almost go hysteria.

first i was told to lie on a platform, given a call bell. i was told at anytime of discomfort, i can just press the call bell. then the platform went in between a big "donut". then the machine started to produce a lot of loud and funny noise. in between the process, i was told not to make any slight movement, not even swallowing of saliva for certain period of time, some time 3 minutes, some time 5 minutes. the whole thing lasted about 30 minutes, then the platform moved out of the donut, the radiologist fixed the shell on my head, secured the shell to the platform, covered my eyes, sticked something to my nose. platform went in again. 2 x 5 minutes interval, same thing, the machine kept producing loud and funny noise. it was during the second 5 minute interval i suddenly felt panic. i wanted to move but i couldn't. i wanted to press the call bell, but that would mean i had to go thru another 10 minutes session again.

i didn't allow myself to go too much out of control, i tried to relax my muscles,

took deep breathe and count the number of breathe i took. i told myself to made a hundred count. by the end of the 100 count everything should be over. i counted 30+ and it was over.

the first 30 minutes was fine. in fact i think i did better than the previous time. despite the irritating noise, i was resting and relaxing in the "donut". i tried to recall my childhood. it's been so many years i tried to recall my childhood memories.

the platform rolled out of the "donut". the 2 radiologists and 1 of the facial girl set up the mask on the platform. first, i felt the mask was pressing very tight on my head. so tight that i could hardly open my eyes. my breathing was somehow affected too. although i could still breathe, but i seems to need the extra strength for the inhalation. then i was blindfolded. i never have problem with darkness. but this time round, the darkness has another implication, it's going to start. then they sticked something to my nose. then...

i pressed the call bell.

i think it is probably something very serious when somebody press the call bell. this could imply that the MRI need to be cancelled if the patient is in bad shape. i could feel that the radiologists and the facial girl were as anxious as me although i'm very sure i'm not the first one in history to press the bell. they quickly remove whatever they fixed on my head, and helped me sit up on the platform.

then we ran into a short period of embarrassment. i was sitting on the platform trying to catch my breathe, the 3 of them just look at me dunno what to say or what to do. i felt like giving up. from the moment they fix the shell on my head, to the moment they remove the shell from me is not even a minute and it's already so unbearable, how can i last 10 minutes?

i never know that i had claustrophobia. when i was in vietnam, i went thru 2 segments of the cuchi tunnels. complete darkness, enclosure had proven no effect on me. why am i behaving this way? is it physical or psychological?

i think they were waiting for my decision. no encouragement, no discouragement, no comment. the room was in complete silence. at that time i was very sure that the MRI would not be able to continue. since i pressed the call bell, mentally i'd given up. on top of the physical conditions, now i hv a phobia to overcome as well.

i can't tolerate myself to be the kind of person who will give up becos i think i can't do it. if i can't do it, i'll also want to make sure everybody seen that i'd tried. i maybe weak, but i'm dare to challenge.

i took a few deep breathe, and announced, "i'm ready."

suddenly the room became lively again. especially the facial girl, she was very enthusiastic. "maybe we loosen a bit", "maybe we tighten the side instead". this time she made sure she did everything slowly, made sure i was fine with the current step before she proceed to the next.

at first i thought i'll be giving up. but during the locking, i realised that this time i could actually flex my shoulder muscle to gain a very minimal movement on the head (maybe 1mm? maybe half mm? 苦中一点甜?). at that moment, my claustrophobia just suddenly disappeared.

10 minutes, i flexed my shoulder muscle thrice. when the platform finally rolled out of the donut, i was still cool and calm.

diet

last week, i visited the website of Singapore Cancer Society. was trying to look out for some goodies or priviledges for myself. u know? maybe i get to eat a free lunch or get a goodie bag for joining them as an exclusive member. save ur effort, unless u think u hv something for them to steal.

this is a piece of ad i saw on the website:

so based on the above information, my meals for the month of june and july would be $144 a month. still cheaper than a mcdonald meal daily. so it "payoff" to be a cancer patient if u r a mc lover. hahaha...

but u notice something on the ad? nasopharynx cancer. why not lung cancer? why not breast cancer? why not colorectal cancer? becos nasophraynx cancer patients good to bully? should kick their ass harder?

many of u did not know what i'd gone thru in NDC (national dental centre). becos initially i was schedule to do radio immediately, i hv only 4 working days to do dental clearance. reason is becos once radio started, my gum and teeth will get weaker, then with all the sores and ulcers, i would rather die if i caught into a dental problem during the treatment.

so the dentist made a very brave decision after discussing with another 2 senior dentists, they decided to extract all the 4 wisdom tooth in a day. he was feeling very sorry for me, but the order from NCC clearly stated that dental need to be cleared in 4 working days (from here u can oso see that among MOs, dentist is the smallest fry).

so the next day, i went back to NDC for a supposingly 1 hour day surgery. the dentist who made the brave decision wasn't the surgeon. he himself said that he's not qualified enough to perform such a "major surgery". my surgeon was a very matured and cool indian dentist. still, i guess he'll remember me forever. i was patially anesthesic and blindfolded. but i can feel that many heavy duty equipment were applied to me (surprisingly my teeth was super-duper strong). the entire dentist couch were shaking, bumping, i could hear the dentist panting. the battle lasted 2.5 hours.

a month later when i went back for dental checkup, i ran into this dentist at the entrance of NDC. he greeted me. i apologised to him cos i was blindfolded throughout, so i had no impression of him.

after the surgery, no painkillers for me, no medication except antibiotics cos i was supposed to go for my radiotherapy in few days time. i had problem talking for the next 2 days, problem eating for the next 5 days. my mouth was swollen and bleeding for 1 week.

so it served as a prelude to my radio/chemo treatment: liquid diet. i live on porridge, con-gee, cereal and oats for that 6 days. sad to say, i never enjoy these food. in fact i hate cereal and oats, dislike porridge and con-gee. i dun need to tell u how lousy i felt for that 6 days. and i dun need to explain why i'm currently eating as if tomorrow never comes. 朋友，吃饱了好上路.

we were talking about 6 days. now what's lying ahead of me is 6 weeks. it's a 550% duration and infinite multiples of torture since i may not even eat the above food, and i may throw out after eating the above food.

robert writes, "Sometimes after my fourth session, the effects of the chemo start accumulating and begin battering me all at the same time... First, the mouth sores. No matter how much ice I chew, the sores will not go away. And forget about keeping anything down. I can't get anything in. For three weeks straight I live on orange lozenges, Jell-O, water, and liquid Lidocaine to numb my mouth. Prisoners at Guantanamo have a better meal plan. Once the sores start to clear up and I return to solid food, I immediately throw everything up... All of this adds up to extreme weakness. I no longer walk..."

robert was suffering from lymphoma, not nasopharyngeal. he received only chemo, no radio. we hv one thing in common, we r both ordinary men.