give up

"This feels really bad, Dad. I can't... I can't... I don't want to feel like this anymore, Dad. Right now, this moment, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see it. This is really, really bad. Everything hurts so much. I feel so weak..."

"Take me to the window, I want to jump. That way I decided when I'm going to die and how. And if I do it this way, I take the cancer with me. The second I hit the sidewalk, it dies with me. I kill my fucking cancer. I want to jump, Dad..."

i dunno how to describe my misery now. the only time i'm not in pain is when i'm asleep. the moment i woke up, the first thing i gotto face is my burnt throat. even if i'm bloated, i need water. more water. it doesn't help at all, but psychologically it makes me feel better.

meals. every meal i feel myself like a rambo charging towards the enemies with a GPMG. i need to get all the vulgar words in mind, curse and swear all the way to finish my food, not to mention how bad my food taste.

this evening, my wife got a shock. after i ate the spinach, i had a feeling that somebody was cutting my tongue. the cutting sensation hurt so bad that tears were bursting out. i wasn't crying, but the pain was intolerable.

the first time i thought of jumping down, it didn't seems to be a bad choice to me. why the fuck am i going thru this? i can't even say that at the end of the treatment i will be fine. after all these shit, i may still die. why am i doing this? it would be better if i die now.

alternatively, maybe i should just walk up to the doctor and tell him, "no, i'm not going to do this anymore. chemo still not so bad, maybe u want to add a few more sessions for me. radio, i'm going to fuck it."

now, i dun even dare to count the number of sessions i'd gone thru. the number seems to be catching up so slowly compared to the side effects. i dunno who will die first. cancer or me.

i'm losing myself...

Week 16

compared to last week, no, better dun compare. it makes me feel lousy.

past few days, i started to develop ulcers and sores in the mouth. not so many ulcers, but the sores r horrible. my mouth is in pain. fortunately my threshold of pain is high, i can still eat with all the sores in the mouth. but it definitely added more misery to the tasteless and soggy food that i'm eating.

throat is in pain. drinking water is like pouring water into the desert land. it dried up immediately. my tongue got so dry it sticked to the teeth easily. i can't taste anything, can't feel anything other than pain.

becos of all the discomfort in the mouth and throat, i had problem talking. my voice is getting softer and softer. it added more misery when i try to talk.

i feel tired very easily. i had problem walking up the slope to national cancer centre. i need to walk very slowly, if not, i need to stop and rest. everyday after the radio, the only thing i want to do is to sleep. even if i couldn't, i need to lie down and rest.

i easily feel cold. even taking afternoon nap at home i need to wrap myself in blanket (the sun was big, fan off, aircon off).

i dunno if my cancer is dead, but i'm still alive.

1/3

1/3 of a whole is 33 percent. i am very proud that i'd finally gone thru 33% of the radio treatment. inclusive of the session today, i'd finished 12. to think that there r 21 more ahead is demoralising, but to date, i'm still fighting strong.

the radio doctor was happy with my condition. i yet to develop any burned skin at the head area; no ulcer in the mouth (some sores in the mouth but still bearable). the doctor was shocked to learn that i'd lost almost 100% my sense of taste because i'm still able to joke with him about my condition.

the only thing that upset the doctor was my weight loss. i lost 4kg over the tough weekend. he was worried that the mask would become too big if i continue to lose weight. remaking of the mask meaning additional cost on the hospital (not me). becos of this, i was quite mad with the radio doctor. frankly speaking, now i dun give a damn to my weight. i'm eating becos i need to replenish energy. i need to live on. i am not obligated to maintain my weight for whatever reason. as long as i get what i need everyday, why should i make my life miserable to please u?

Dr. DL was oso shocked to learn about my weight loss. after understanding my situation, he suspected it could be due to dexamethasone, one of the nausea-relief medication. he suggested i stop that medicine, and try taking only the kytril. but he insisted i should take the medicine, dun wait until i start throwing out.

today's chemo isn't really that bad. after my radio, my wife requested to visit the confectionery to grab a bite. when i stared at all the breads, puffs and cakes, i had absolutely no desire. but i know my wife will not buy anything for herself if i dun get something for myself, so i chose a twin muffin pack which consists of a blueberry muffin and a banana muffin.

during the chemo, i ate the blueberry muffin. to my surprise, it tastes (or rather it smells) fantastic. it wasn't sweet at all. but the muffin fragrance was so appetising and refreshing. it was the best food i'd eaten since last friday. i ate the banana muffin as well, not as good, but it still second the blueberry one.

so i know oredi. starting from tomorrow, i hv one more option for food, the muffin pack from sgh.

the muffins had given me more than just great taste and better appetite. after the treatment, we went to eat economical rice. i ordered porridge and some dishes which i thought maybe suitable for me. though tasteless, some of the food turned out to be acceptable for my throat and appetite.

so... life isn't that bad right? or is it becos the worst is yet to come? hahaha... i dun bother. what could be after the worst?