after treatment

today, i asked the doctor what to expect after the entire course of my treatment. this is what he said to me...

"after u finished ur last chemo, we'll ask u to come back every month. the first 2 months we will followup on all the side-effects. basically most of the side effects should be gone by then except the sense of taste and the dry salivary gland which would take months to recover. the third month we will conduct a thorough scan to confirm that u r cleared. usually the tumor is still there even after the treatment, but it will continue to shrink for a period of time until it's totally gone. so the scan is scheduled to be 3 months later. most of the patients would be cleared by then. only a handful will hv residual cancerous cells. if that's the case, we would conduct a surgery to remove any residual cancerous cells. the relapsing of npc is usually in the first two yrs. so u r require to come back every month for checkup. u r considered recovered only after u passed thru the first two yrs."

not so bad. at least i know i'll hv 3 months of peace after treatment. so sick of reporting to hospital everyday...

fear

deep in my heart, there's something that i'd been trying hard to avoid thinking about it.

some of my friends suggested i should do a count down. that should helps motivate myself during the tough time. thanks for your support and ur heart. i know u guys hv been keeping me in mind. but there's something u dunno.

yes, logically, i'm left with only 3 sessions of chemo, 12 sessions of radio, everything is going to finish in 3 weeks time. if i was in army, this would be my ORD date, if i was in ranger course, this should be considered end of my hell week. but dear friends, this is not.

who can guarantee after these i'll be remitted? who can guarantee after all these, all the side effects will be fully subsided? who can guarantee even if i got remitted, in the next 1,2,3,4,5 yrs there'll be no relapsed?

u know what is cancer? wiki says cancer is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth, invasion and sometimes metastasis. those cells r mine. u know how strong and fit i used to be? u know how difficult this thing developed in me? u know how difficult to kill these fuckers? they r not normal cancer cells, they r cancer cells in a fucking big tough man. i'm still alive, how would they die so easily? if the doctor tells me, "err... we didn't manage to kill the beast this round, i think we need to do these all over again." how do u think i'll react?

i'm scared. damn fucking scared. so scared i think i would pee my pants if i dreamed about it at night. dear friends, do u understand?

i know, it's something beyond our control, better not to think abt it. why count down? what is there to look forward to?

frustration

my appetite got worsen. i got too sick over the bland taste resulting me to feel nauseated whenever i eat my food.

my throat got worsen. it was more painful than last week. the dryness can be feel even without swallowing the saliva. i dun feel like talking anymore. i wish i dun hv to talk to anybody, not even to my wife. some times i feel like telling her to shut up though she's just trying to find topics to cheer me up.

my stamina got worse. i now walk slower than my wife. i shoke her hand off this morning becos i felt that she was walking too fast. i had problem climbing a flight of 20 steps.

i started to get ringing in the ears. it seems to get worse over time. the ringing sometimes got so irritating i will just cover my ears as if the noise came from outside not from inside. the doctor said that this is something he can't help. can only hope that it'll slowly subside after the treatment (it may not subside).

my nose keeps bleeding for the past few days. in my nose i got plenty of blood clot which badly obstruct my breathing. whenever i try to clear the clot, it'll bleed again until new clot is formed.

i lost another kg this week. now i need to stuff all my belongings in the pocket to measure 67kg. doctors were very unhappy about my weight but there's nothing much i can do. i'd oredi tried my very best to eat. based on my current condition, i think i'm oredi eating beyond my capability.

physically i'm still coping quite well. psychologically i feel like shit. real shit. i forget abt giving up. not becos i dun feel like giving up, but i should hv give up in the beginning. now that i'd come to this stage, there's no turning back. LL must finish it.