return

some pple believe that the deceased will come back on the 7th day (to be precised, the 6th night after demised). questions hv been brought out regarding how true it is. all the while, i believe that the deceased live in the heart of the living. if u believe, then anything may happen. if u dun, then it does not exist at all.

i miss my dad. my dad is somebody who refused to go out of the community when he was still around. he is the kind of person who think 一动不如一静. he didn't know how to take a bus, probably didn't even know how to take a cab. before he retired, he walked to the market everyday (he was a vegetable seller). the very last time he travelled longer than this, was 1995, he went thailand with my mum for tour. after we moved into the new house, he refused to even go downstairs for a walk.

when he passed away, one of the biggest worry i had was "does he know how to come home?" "is he trapped in the hospital?". this would be dreadful to him, being trapped in the hospital. i'd rather he is being trapped at home.

because of this big worry, and also IN CASE, the return on the 7th day is real, i decided to prepare something for him.

i bought a thin booklet, sat down with my sister, each of us use a marker pen to write messages for him (since it was believed that the living should avoid the deceased when he returns).

before 11pm, i burned a joss stick, prepared his favourite fish head soup, a can of ABC extra stout and some groundnuts, lit up a stick of marlboro, on the tv, left the living room lights on, door opened and then went to sleep.

the next day, everything seems to remain the same, everything untouched. my wife said that the soup level dropped by 20%, my mum said in the middle of the night somebody knocked on her door. i didn't believe.

so my biggest worry was still there. is my dad being trapped in the hospital? for once, i really thought of making a trip to cgh mortuary, wander a while then come back home from there, hopefully he spotted me and follow me back home. but, i'm not superstitious enough to perform such a silly act.

i continued to surf the net, found more info on "returning of the spirit". then i came across an article, saying that the taoist actually has a different calculation for "returning of the spirit". it said that when a person passed away, his spirit will go underground. the depth could be calculated based on the day and the hour of his death. then everyday his spirit will raise by 1 foot. until he finally raised above ground, then he'll come home. the calculation can even tell what time he'll reach home, what time he'll leave and the direction of his arrival and departure.

the calculation wasn't difficult. i computed that my dad was buried 13 feet underground, so he'll come back home on 10th November 11pm, he'll leave the house at 1am. i skipped the direction part cos i was only concern whether he knows his way back home.

on the 10th, again i bought a can of stout, a packet of hand brand groundnuts (his favourite), a packet of marlboro and two BA BAO (pork bun, oso one of his favourite). i laid out everything properly, moved my laptop to the dining table, created a playlist with all the songs i played for him on the night before he passed away.

i closed my bedroom door, off the light and lied on the bed listening carefully to the surrounding. about half an hour later, suddenly my wife beat on my arm and complained that i was making too much noise that i was disturbing her sleep. i told her i didn't make any noise, in fact i was awake! she ignored me and fell back to sleep. 5 minutes later, she beat me again and made the same complain. i stressed to her that i was all the while awake and i know better if i'd made any noise.

i had a very bad night. i didn't really sleep, but daydream throughout. i didn't quite remember what it was all about, but obviously it has got something to do with my dad. 4am, i went out to clear the things i prepared for my dad. again, everything seems untouched. i slept at 5:30 in the morning.

the next day, i asked my mum did she had any special encounter. she said at around midnight, she heard a noise like somebody sitting on the sofa, rubbing the skin against the leather. i thought it was psychological. i proceeded to ask my maid the same question and to my surprise, she gave the same answer as my mum.

i asked my wife what exactly was the noise she heard, she said it was a groaning sound came from the direction i was lying. the groaning was continuous and it was too noisy for her to sleep. at first she insisted that i was the one who made the noise, until i asked her this question, "did u ever hear me making such noise in my sleep?"

my dad always made such noise in his sleep. continuous groaning as if he was in pain (but actually he wasn't, probably just too tired).

so, did my dad came back? i guess so. at least now i no longer worry about him couldn't find his way out of CGH. i'm now worrying that he is feeling too sad to part with us.

爸爸，安心走吧，你不走，来世我们怎做父子？

funeral

we held a 4 days wake for my dad. the wake to us is merely something we did for the living ones. for us (me and my sister), nothing beats the feeling of losing our dad. the pain is something we'd not encountered before. the saddness, hurt so deep that we don't feel like living.

my dad, for once, he was the most important man of my life. when i was a little boy, whenever i ran into trouble, my dad will back me up. i felt safe and secure, becos i know my father will always stand by me. over years, i'd grown up. i made my own decision and solved my own problems. my dad no longer plays a important role in my life. now that i'd lost him, i realised that there isn't a second man to take up his position. though i'd been independent for so many years, the role of "most important man" has never changed. he is still the most important man of my life. in fact, he is the one and only man of my life.

on the funeral day, i suddenly had a weird thinking. i tried to imagine how my dad felt when my grandparents passed away. though i wasn't around to see how he handled his emotions, i guessed he was man enough to take up the responsibility of the family. as the eldest son, his emotions will affect the whole family.

i decided to suppress my emotion. i shall not cry before my dad. i am proud to be his son and i shall let him be proud of me. it was real tough, but i made it. i only cried after the coffin was pushed into the crematorium, after the door closed.

discharge

i don't remember how many times we cried in the hospital. the moment the body was being pushed out of the mortuary, i cried.

i was the one who sent my dad into the hospital. we took the ambulance in, now we leaving the hospital by the casket vehicle.

i always thought that one day he would be discharged, i will bring him back home. yes, he may be bedridden until the day he left us, quality of life may be a big question mark, but we will spend more time with him, plan something for him and give him some new pass time activities.

even until the very last night of 回光返照，we still using "discharge" as a bait to stimulate his fighting spirit. we hid the truth that he may not be able to walk out the hospital alive. when i saw his body being pushed out of the mortuary, the first question that flashed my mind was, does my dad know the way home? it was his greatest wish since he was warded. now, finally we were going home...

i couldn't help crying and shouting...

老爸，我们回家了...

my HERO V

29th Oct is a friday. the doctor gave my dad a packet of blood due to the dropping in blood count. the drop was quite gradual, it didn't seem like it's something emergency.

as usual, i visited the hospital immediately after work. i saw my sister sitting outside the ward eating her dinner. she said dad didn't seems to respond to her when she tried talking to him earlier.

i went to my dad's bed, saw him opening his eyes. i called him and he turned his head to me. he was responding! i asked him if he wanna go home, he said yes. i asked him if he feels bored, he said yes. my sister was also very shock to see dad being so responsive. she wet a towel, clean his body, powder him, wet his lips, gave him a little bit of water. then we massage his hands, his arms, i played all his favourite music for him... to our surprise, he stayed awake for longer than an hour.

when the visiting hours over, we decided to stay longer for the quality time. since day 1 he was admitted to the hospital, he has never been awake for more than 1 minute. he had never open his eyes for more than 30 seconds. but this time round, he was awake!

we off the music, stayed by his side, holding his hands until he slowly fell back to sleep.

saturday morning, 30102010 845am, the doctor called me saying that my dad was not breathing so well, oxygen level dropped to 58% and now gotto put him on oxygen mask. the doctor said, "your father is very ill now, he may leave today..." he paused a while, probably thought of how strong our father was for the past two weeks, he changed his mind, "i mean 'may', he may not. but maybe you want to inform the rest of your family?"

i called my sister telling her what the doctor told me. we were not worry at all. for the past two weeks, there were more serious descriptions and in the end nothing happen. that's our dad, he won't be defeated so easily. just another false alarm.

since it's a saturday, we decided to go hospital earlier despite it's a "false alarm".

we arrived the ward at around 1030. my dad was being put to sitting position, unconscious, eyes closed. the BP machine attached to him showed that his SPO2 was 95% and his pulse rate 50. see? i said oredi, my dad is a fighter, he sure make it. his heart was still beating strong.

we held his hands and talked to him though he didn't seems to be listening. then suddenly, the SPO2 started to fluctuate. i thought the SPO2 wasn't properly fixed on him, so i tried to adjust it. the nurses came in to fixed an ECG on him. we didn't know what it means. then... we slowly know what's the purpose of the ECG.

i saw the pulse rate dropped to 15, then back to 50, then 25, then 0, then back to 45, then... then i started to cry... i wasn't prepared. i dunno... i refused to let him go, i pressed on the oxygen mask and the pulse rate came back. i did a few times, then it slowly loses ithe effect. i gave up, and i spoke my last words to him...

爸爸，不要怕，你走好，不要担心，我们长大了，会照顾自己，会照顾妈妈。走好，别怕。。。