my HERO IV

the angiography was done in thursday. the doctor considered it to be a successful one as they managed to find another bleeding spot and clipped it. to-date, no symptoms of renal failure (30% risk for angiography). though everythings seems to be running fine, the doctor said the angiography was the last thing they did on him. subsequently, they'll just focus on "keeping him comfortable". if he bleeds again, give him transfusion; if he bleeds massively, do nothing.

my dad continued to stay in the ICU for a few more days, the doctors wanted to monitor closely if the blood pressure or bloodcount falls again.

most of the time, he's "asleep". frankly speaking, it's quite difficult to tell whether he is unconscious, sleeping, or awake with eyes closed. sometimes when we called him loud enough, he'll open or tried to open his eye lids for 1 sec, before the eye ball turn to focus on you, his eye lids closed again. sometimes when we tried to hard to wake him up, his breathe will shorten and his heart rate will shoot up.

i was very happy when i was able to catch his attention. we gone through all these just to buy more time with him and we succeeded. other than our decisions, the biggest factor is of course our dad, our HERO who fought his way through.

the next 3 days were rather peaceful. blood count stable, blood pressure maintained. sunday afternoon, they transferred my dad to general ward because they felt that he has stablised, no point monitoring him real time.

despite the stable conditions and "improvement", i dun feel good. i suddenly recalled what the ICU doctor told us initially. ICU is not a good place to say goodbye, if possible, we will send him to the general ward. i can't help thinking that if something happened to my dad again, they r not going to save him. yes, he may seems alright now, but just another incident will take him away.

my HERO III

after the doctors told us so many times "be prepared", "critically ill", "let him go comfortably", we were well prepared that we'll be losing him anytime. yet it was also then, situation seems to improved.

his conditions were quite stable. thursday noon, they perform angiography to catch another bleeding point and block it completely. things turned out to be pretty good. the doctors called us in for meeting again. this time round, they used the word "future plan" and for the first time, never tell us to "be prepared". i think they finally realised how strong is my father. we'd been telling them many times that my dad is a fighter, he will fight all the way to the very last minute. he didn't want to die, just like me. u may consider we are cowards, fear of death. we hv different perception of life. we only get to live once, we dunno if there's a heaven or hell, whether there's rebirth. this may be our only chance to live, to feel, to think. no matter what (as long as it's not too painful to live), we'll live till the very last moment of our life.

so what's his future? the doctors said they'll continue to monitor him in ICU, until he is stable enough, then will transfer him to the general ward. the angiography is rather successful, but that was the last thing they had to do on him. should any internal bleeding occurs, if minor, they do transfusion, if major, they'll not do anything. nothing to sign, nothing to decide, that's my dad's "future".

dad fell into very deep sleep. maybe he was just too tired to remain awake. when we shouted for him, he opened his eyes a little bit and gave some minimal reactions. i was very very happy. before this, i thought i may not get a chance to talk to him anymore. now, i was given an opportunity to tell him everything i wanted to say. how can i ask for more?

we started to discuss what to do after dad's departure, the ritual style, which columbarium to choose, what to do with the maid (we employed her to take care of dad) etc. no doubt the doctor is getting a little positive, it didn't cast much effect on us. i see the whole situation as, "u had already done the last thing u can do, if something happened again, u r not going to do anything."

dun blame the doctors. we really seen how hard they tried to save my dad. since day 1 my dad got admitted, we'd seen many times so many pple crowded around my dad trying to bring him back to live. there wasn't a second patient in the ward or ICU who required so much attention. they didn't owe us anything, they did their best to save my dad and we truly appreciate that.

my HERO II

i always think that making a life and death decision for the love one is one of the most painful thing to do. to sustain my father, it could mean that we'll put him through all the sufferings which he may not want. to let him go, it means that we are going to kill him.

before things moved on to this stage, my sister and i came to a conclusion that no matter what, we will do our best to sustain him. but after knowing that it was a big C in his stomach, i changed my mind. i once said that if my cancer relapse at a age of 65, i will not fight. ill be glad that i'd been given so many extra years, and i'll go willingly. so operation is not an option for me.

anyway, we didn't get to make that decision.

wednesday morning abt 5am, my sister called me. the doctors from ICU informed her that our dad was critical. by the time we reached there, our dad was once again resuscitated. the doctors called us in for a meeting again.

conditions arose when my dad's heart rate shot up to 180. they defibrillated him once to bring him back. the defibrillation may had caused some damages to the brain. the sudden surge of heart rate is an indication that his heart is suffering from some damages from the previous low blood count.

to date, his heart, his kidneys, his lungs, his stomach and maybe his brain showed some damages. again, the doctor's recommendation is to let him go.

since operation is no longer an option, the next option we have is angiography. we signed the paper and the doctor will do it when my dad's condition is considerably stable.

i didn't spend the rest of the day in the hospital, i got another hospital to visit, SGH National Cancer Centre, to get my report for the 3-month post treatment MRI and blood test. it was a big thing for me. if i was cleared, i could consider myself remitted. if i wasn't, i may need to go for operation to remove residual cancerous cells.

before my dad was hospitalised, i was quite worry about this day. my life had slowly gone back to normal, i really dun wan to hv another big change. but since the day my dad was hospitalised, i totally forgotten about worrying.

when i walked towards NCC, i had a feeling that time has gone back to the day i went to ENT clinic, when i was diagnosed with NPC. it was a horrible feeling. after that day, my life changed drastically.

i cleared both the MRI and the blood test.

suddenly i had a feeling that my dad had taken away the illness from me. 30 over years ago, he gave me my life. today, he exchanged his life for mine.

my HERO I

saturday night around 9pm, when i came home from shopping, my maid told me that she had problem waking my dad up. other than looking a bit pale and fatigue, he looked absolutely normal to me. but when tried to wake him up, he just didn't respond.

i called for an ambulance, the paramedics came. an hour later, we were at cgh. at that point of time, i did not think that my dad's condition could be critical. i thought it was probably caused by his parkinson. drowsiness, fatigue, maybe he fainted, maybe he's just too tired to respond. the answer we got from the A&E doctor was very shocking. she said a normal person blood count is 14, but my dad's blood count is 1.5. she had never seen a living person with such a low blood count. as such, my dad's condition is very critical. he may be gone any time. they need to give him 2 packet of blood despite the risk that his heart may not be able to take the sudden heavy workload.

3am in the morning, the war was over, my dad successfully took in the 2 packet of blood, which increased his blood count to 4. they did some basic scans on him but could not find the cause of his low blood count. they called it a day to prevent further complications from occuring. they considered my dad as critically ill and his condition was life threatening so we were told to remain contactable in case of emergency.

the weekend was quite a peaceful one. my dad just slept through the day and night. we woke him up, he only gave a sentence or two, then he fell back to sleep. the doctor planned to give him 2 or even 4 more packets of blood to bring his bloodcount back to normal, but the cause for the low bloodcount is still unknown.

Monday evening, i met my sister in the hospital after work. after 2 more packets of blood, my dad's bloodcount shot up to 11. his vital stats showed that everything was fine. but surprisingly we had problem waking him up. the doctor woke him up by beating his chest. again, the doctor said the additional blood may cause his heart to overload and stressed that he is "critically ill", he may go anytime, we need to prepare for the worst.

despite all the negative comments given by the doctors, i had a very strong feeling that my dad would be alright. he is a very strong man, like me. i inherited my strong will from him. last year when he was admitted to hospital due to water retention, they did a thorough scan on him, he was almost 100% healthy except for his parkinson and poor absorption of protein. the doctors said his heart and lungs were perfect.

Tuesday evening, when i was on the way to the hospital, my sister called me, told me that the doctors were transferring my dad to ICU because of a sudden drop in blood pressure. my confidence was drained away all of a sudden. i'd been building castle in the air by assuming my dad's good health. my dad is critically ill, he may not be able to leave the hospital alive, we may be losing him any time. i cried my way to the hospital.

doctors, nurses were crowding around him, they were trying very hard to stablise his conditions. my sister and i just sat at a distance apart, weeping, worrying, hoping, praying.

my sister told me earlier on the doctor came to woke him up asking him "uncle, lee ho bo?" (uncle, how are u?) my dad said, "wa jin ho" (i'm good). the doctor told him, "uncle, lee bo ho." (uncle, your condition is very bad).

the doctor gave him additional blood and maximum medications to sustain his blood pressure so as to do a endoscopy to detect internal bleeding spot. again, told us, if the blood pressure dropped, there's nothing they can do, be prepared. of course, based on my dad's condition, the endoscopy is again a high risk procedure for him.

few hours later, we got a good news. the bleeding spot was found in the stomach, they managed to clip it, and now the bleeding has stopped. yet, we got a bigger bad news. cancerous lumps and tumours were found in stomach, based on the conditions, he may bleed again any time.

doctors called us in for a meeting. we were given some options.

1) perform an operation to cut part of the stomach away. the advantage is this will stop the internal bleeding, may even cure the cancer if it has not spread to other organs (which is not quite possible). but there's one whole list of disadvantages. given my dad's condition, he may die in the op. after the op there's only 15% chances the stomach will heal, most probably it'll take just a few days for the stomach to tear and cost his life. after the op, he probably need to be fed thru tubes till the day he left. after the op, the cancer may still be there. after the op, he may need to go for dialysis.

2) perform angiography. using radiography technology to find the bleeding spot and stop it if another bleeding occurs.advantage is lesser disadvantage. risk is much lower, except that there's a 30% chance his kidney may totally failed. disadvantage is lesser advantage. it doesn't help the overall condition in anyway, it just prolong his life.

3) let him go. option highly recommended by the doctors.

we were told to seriously think about it and give them an answer asap.

my first 10km

with the hydration belt on, the longest run i did was 6km. i felt quite uncomfortable wearing it, but it really solved my hydration problem. without water, i can never run beyond 3.5km.

today is 101010. it's also the event day for Mizuno Wave Run. i signed up this run together with mizuno mt faber run way before i started my treatment. at that time, i thought the mt faber run marks the beginning of my treatment, and the wave run should mark my recovery from the treatment. if i'm able to do the wave run, it probably means i'd recovered. of course that was just my initial thought.

before the run, i was feeling a bit stress up as i doubt i could do the 10km. in fact, i had some bad dreams last night. i don't quite remember what they were all abt, but mostly related to the run itself. i know there's no big deal even if i dropped out halfway, i'm just hoping that life can slowly return back to normal.

a friend of mine ran the mt faber run with me. today, my sister ran with me. i think i'm really fortunate to have all the support from family and friends during my toughest time.

as i said, i had no confident running 10km without walking. it's been more than 4 months i last did a 10km. so we started off slow and maintained the pace throughout. when i felt tired, i'll tuck in a bit and slow down a little. i gained my confidence when i crossed the 7.5km mark. and i was glad to realise that i could still go further.

i took 1hr 19 minutes to finish the 10km. it's not fantastic, but i love it and i accept it as my personal best timing. i don't need to beat other pple, i just need to beat myself and i did it.

Recovery Report VIII

it's 2am in the morning and i just came back from outside. friday night, i got a phone call from my klang friend, he and the boyboy would be driving out to singapore on saturday to pay me a visit. the news got me so excited i almost couldn't sleep. 有朋自远方而来，不亦乐乎。

we had not seen each other for more than 5 years. in fact for no reason, we didn't even contact each other for 5 years. still i never forget the time when i was in klang. it was one of the most carefree period of my life. i hv far too many good memories when we work and play together.

they reached my house at 8pm (after 5 hours drive). the boyboy has grown to be a man bigger than me (in size). it seems like yesterday that we were walking side by side and i just rest my arm on his shoulder. now he's too tall for that. hahaha...

my klang friend brought many fresh fishes to me, and two boxes of bird nest. he's not doing very well at the moment, so from the gift, it's not difficult to tell how much he valued me as a friend.

we just sat in the coffee shop catching up all the lost stories for five hours, then they started driving back to klang. imagine that's how they burned 15 hours of their precious weekend.

friendship is priceless. i dun think i need to do anything more to show how much i welcome them. i know they can feel it, and i can feel it.

the past one week is again a better week for me. after applying the ear lotion, the ringing seems to reduce a lot. still ringing, but it's much "softer". i tried bringing some water during my run, and i could finally run more than 4km. i bought a hydration belt hopefully it helps to prolong my running. next sunday would be the mizuno wave run. it would be my first 10km run after the treatment. i thought if i'm able to last 10km (without walking), i shall post the finisher medal to Dr. DL to express my gratitude in his effort and encouragement.