give up

"This feels really bad, Dad. I can't... I can't... I don't want to feel like this anymore, Dad. Right now, this moment, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see it. This is really, really bad. Everything hurts so much. I feel so weak..."

"Take me to the window, I want to jump. That way I decided when I'm going to die and how. And if I do it this way, I take the cancer with me. The second I hit the sidewalk, it dies with me. I kill my fucking cancer. I want to jump, Dad..."

i dunno how to describe my misery now. the only time i'm not in pain is when i'm asleep. the moment i woke up, the first thing i gotto face is my burnt throat. even if i'm bloated, i need water. more water. it doesn't help at all, but psychologically it makes me feel better.

meals. every meal i feel myself like a rambo charging towards the enemies with a GPMG. i need to get all the vulgar words in mind, curse and swear all the way to finish my food, not to mention how bad my food taste.

this evening, my wife got a shock. after i ate the spinach, i had a feeling that somebody was cutting my tongue. the cutting sensation hurt so bad that tears were bursting out. i wasn't crying, but the pain was intolerable.

the first time i thought of jumping down, it didn't seems to be a bad choice to me. why the fuck am i going thru this? i can't even say that at the end of the treatment i will be fine. after all these shit, i may still die. why am i doing this? it would be better if i die now.

alternatively, maybe i should just walk up to the doctor and tell him, "no, i'm not going to do this anymore. chemo still not so bad, maybe u want to add a few more sessions for me. radio, i'm going to fuck it."

now, i dun even dare to count the number of sessions i'd gone thru. the number seems to be catching up so slowly compared to the side effects. i dunno who will die first. cancer or me.

i'm losing myself...

Week 16

compared to last week, no, better dun compare. it makes me feel lousy.

past few days, i started to develop ulcers and sores in the mouth. not so many ulcers, but the sores r horrible. my mouth is in pain. fortunately my threshold of pain is high, i can still eat with all the sores in the mouth. but it definitely added more misery to the tasteless and soggy food that i'm eating.

throat is in pain. drinking water is like pouring water into the desert land. it dried up immediately. my tongue got so dry it sticked to the teeth easily. i can't taste anything, can't feel anything other than pain.

becos of all the discomfort in the mouth and throat, i had problem talking. my voice is getting softer and softer. it added more misery when i try to talk.

i feel tired very easily. i had problem walking up the slope to national cancer centre. i need to walk very slowly, if not, i need to stop and rest. everyday after the radio, the only thing i want to do is to sleep. even if i couldn't, i need to lie down and rest.

i easily feel cold. even taking afternoon nap at home i need to wrap myself in blanket (the sun was big, fan off, aircon off).

i dunno if my cancer is dead, but i'm still alive.

1/3

1/3 of a whole is 33 percent. i am very proud that i'd finally gone thru 33% of the radio treatment. inclusive of the session today, i'd finished 12. to think that there r 21 more ahead is demoralising, but to date, i'm still fighting strong.

the radio doctor was happy with my condition. i yet to develop any burned skin at the head area; no ulcer in the mouth (some sores in the mouth but still bearable). the doctor was shocked to learn that i'd lost almost 100% my sense of taste because i'm still able to joke with him about my condition.

the only thing that upset the doctor was my weight loss. i lost 4kg over the tough weekend. he was worried that the mask would become too big if i continue to lose weight. remaking of the mask meaning additional cost on the hospital (not me). becos of this, i was quite mad with the radio doctor. frankly speaking, now i dun give a damn to my weight. i'm eating becos i need to replenish energy. i need to live on. i am not obligated to maintain my weight for whatever reason. as long as i get what i need everyday, why should i make my life miserable to please u?

Dr. DL was oso shocked to learn about my weight loss. after understanding my situation, he suspected it could be due to dexamethasone, one of the nausea-relief medication. he suggested i stop that medicine, and try taking only the kytril. but he insisted i should take the medicine, dun wait until i start throwing out.

today's chemo isn't really that bad. after my radio, my wife requested to visit the confectionery to grab a bite. when i stared at all the breads, puffs and cakes, i had absolutely no desire. but i know my wife will not buy anything for herself if i dun get something for myself, so i chose a twin muffin pack which consists of a blueberry muffin and a banana muffin.

during the chemo, i ate the blueberry muffin. to my surprise, it tastes (or rather it smells) fantastic. it wasn't sweet at all. but the muffin fragrance was so appetising and refreshing. it was the best food i'd eaten since last friday. i ate the banana muffin as well, not as good, but it still second the blueberry one.

so i know oredi. starting from tomorrow, i hv one more option for food, the muffin pack from sgh.

the muffins had given me more than just great taste and better appetite. after the treatment, we went to eat economical rice. i ordered porridge and some dishes which i thought maybe suitable for me. though tasteless, some of the food turned out to be acceptable for my throat and appetite.

so... life isn't that bad right? or is it becos the worst is yet to come? hahaha... i dun bother. what could be after the worst?

Week 15

if u read my blog and thought that what i'd gone thru was horrible and intolerable, then psychologically u may be too weak to continue. becos what happened over the weekend was worse than before. i finally seen the true colors of NPC treatment. now i understand why r there so many NPC support groups, why r there so many posters in NCC encouraging and providing tips just for NPC patients. now i know why. becos it's just a weekend, and i felt like giving up.

friday, i had a bad burning sensation at my abdominal area. it was so bad that i spent most of the day curling my body on the bed, doing nothing but perspiring. saturday morning, the burning sensation was gone after a night of sleep. i was hit by the nauseated feeling. saturday night, my wife and i went downstairs to eat kway chap, i lost almost 100% of my tasting capability. i stared at the kway chap, everything was tasteless. the tao pok taste like charcoal, the pig intestine taste like rubberbands, the kway taste like pvc. i paid $6 for the kway chap (suppose to be for myself only), but i didn't even manage to finish a quarter of it.

at that time i felt like crying. i felt really lousy and helpless. not so much on the change of taste, but i seems to lost the ability to eat. i ate about 20 percent my normal food portion and i was full!

sunday, i lunched out with my wife. i wanted to try other food. u know, maybe the kway chap is tasteless. all the NPC support groups also encourage patients to try out diff food. No miracle. it turned out that the only taste that is still loyal to my taste bud is sourness. lime juice is the only thing that is tasty to me.

apart from changing of taste and drastic change in appetite, my throat had become so dry that no matter how much water i drink can never relieve. my mouth had become so dry that my tongue turned white and the food that i'd eaten earlier on turned into a foul and sour pungent in the mouth, no matter how many times i rinse my mouth and how much water i drink. this worsen the nauseated feeling.

i understand that my good times had ended. this is just the beginning. it's going to be tougher than this.

thursday

for the next few weeks, i'm going to hate thursday. radio + chemo, the effect is more than just physical. i hate it. since yesterday, i was depressed becos today is thursday.

this is just the second week, with all the side effect that i'm combating, i'm oredi feeling very uncomfortable and tired. it seems like weekly is too frequently for my body to take it. i'm feeling worse over time. i'm a human. i'm not a rubberband, can u pls stop pulling me apart?

just woke up from my afternoon nap. actually woke up wasn't a good term. i had a feeling that my head was placed under the hot sun. my body was cool, but my head was sweating although the fan was already blowing direct on my face for hours. my throat, very dry. this is something new.

the only thing good abt thursday is that after the double shot, i know i hv a 6 days interval before the next one. it's sad that things r going to happen this way, but these r the things i need to live with if i wan to live on.

now, i understand why robert got to tell himself "the chemo is good for my cancer". yes, as time goes on, one will lose concentration on "why" and just focus too much on the "what". i guess i need to work harder in "detaching" my mind from the body.

talking abt today's treatment, it wasn't that bad. after a wk, i'm no longer intimidated by the mask, the huge machine and the 20 minutes immobility. i'm still writing the sutra although i can go thru without doing so. i'm just hoping that by doing so could be a little help to any claustrophobia who is going to lie down here.

being a premium member (radio + chemo), the waiting time is greatly shorten. this is another great improvement compared to the phase 1 chemo. i made friends with some of the nurses at ATU, they were touched by my positive attitude and jovial conversation.

week 14. i'm still able to eat, i can still walk. feeling very uncomfortable, but i'm still strong. very depress at times, but never thought of giving up.

Week 14

yesterday, i went for my last run, the Mt. Faber Run, though i walked most of the route. i finished it in 1hr 45min and i didn't come back last. i could do better than this, but that's not the point. i should do better in my treatment. just like what my doctor said, save the energy to fight the fatigue.

after the run, i felt horrible. it has got nothing to do with the run, becos it's caused by my taste bud. i lost the ability to appreciate sweetness. 我失去了我生命中的“苦中一点甜”. can u imagine a life without sweetness? op top of that, my nausea feeling is also getting worse. becos everything became so bland, i lost my appetite. i ended up drinking a bit of soup for dinner last night. hungry at night, but i didn't eat anything after that.

this morning, the feeling was just as strong. the jam on my bread taste like hair styling gel. i forced myself to accept the fact that for the next 1.5 months, there'll be no sweetness in my life.

i started to experience dry throat, i could feel that something is accumulating on my inner tongue (like a layer of substance, getting thicker and thicker). my salivary gland is greatly affected and i now have very little saliva in the mouth. drinking water helps only the first few minutes, after that the mouth turned dry.

i didn't expect all these effects to come in so soon. it means that my misery is going to start very soon (actually it has already started) and last very long. i'm feeling very lousy. i dun feel like talking. i feel like sleeping through my day and night so that i can forget about my body condition.

leave me alone.

piece of cake

D+3.

i wasn't feeling so well early in the morning. the nausea feeling hit at about 0900. and it got more serious. dun wanna take chance, i popped in the drugs issued to me. be a good boy, dun be a hero. i dun wan to perform merlion show during the radio session. my runny nose was completely gone, but occasionally i still sneeze. i was wondering if they locked me to the mask, will i still be able to sneeze? my sneezes are usually strong and powerful, will i break the lock if i sneezed during the treatment?

after i popped in the drugs, i got a little bit feverish, became tired and weak. it could be due to the drugs, or it could be just some new side effects followed by the chemo.

compared to the past 2 days, today is really a piece of cake. no chemo, no blood test, no seeing doctor. i didn't even need to bring my bag (which i carry my umbrella, my thermal flask, a book to read etc a folder which consists of all documents chemo, radio, dental, appointment cards, invoices for insurance claims etc etc.

i brought only my appointment card, my wife carried my umbrella. that's all.

this time round, i paid attention to the music playing the radiation room. it's meant for the patient, becos it kept repeating the same CD over and over again. i recognised and remember a few of the songs:

NIKITA,

SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD

CANDLE IN THE WIND

DON'T LET THE SUN GOES DOWN ON ME

SACRIFICE

that's about 20 minutes right? i recalled i heard nikita and don't let the sun goes down on me during the first two sessions. so i'm pretty sure they didn't change the music.

i almost managed to finish writing the heart sutra twice. if u ask me if i believe in the heart sutra will bring peace and blessing to me, the answer is definitely no. i just need some distraction from the mask. but frankly speaking, if the sutra indeed possess some kind of magic power, i wish that whoever lying on the platform going through the same shit as me will be blessed with peace by the so many repetitions of the sutra i wrote on it...

...心无罣碍 无罣碍故 无有恐怖 远离颠倒梦想...

double-shot

D+2. it wasn't that bad before i left for hospital. today i had some time to eat some light breakfast, had a mug of honey before i step out the house. my radio therapy is on 0830.

the radiologist mentioned that during radio+chemo days, the patient will hv super high priority in the hospital. when i reached department of radiation oncology, i was slightly late and the waiting area was packed with pple. yet, i was the first one who got called. privileged. hahaha...

this time round, i wasn't that nervous any more. since yesterday i'd gone through it. whatever going happened today should be the same.

i started writing the same sutra the moment the therapy started. i didn't know how much time had passed. when i finished the entire sutra for the first round, the radiologist came in. i was wondering how could it be so fast today. then he explained, "sorry sir, there's some problem with the machine. it needs more time to warm up. so today's treatment would be slightly longer, probably 10 minutes more. if u can't tolerate, u can just raise ur hand and we will step in."

F**KING SHIT. if i can't tolerate i shall raise my middle finger. r u trying to tell me what i'd gone thru just now is a no count? is that my F**KING PROBLEM?

well, these were just voices in my heart. since i was in the mask. it's either i raise my middle finger and embarass all of us, or i keep my mouth shut and "take the challenge". i chose the latter.

i thought if i could take this lengthened session, then in future i should hv no problem at all with the normal radio therapy. this would be a good opportunity to overcome my phobia.

everything started again. i patiently wrote my sutra again. occasionally i stopped to listen to the music playing in the room. it was then i realised the music they were playing were rather sentimental. some of the songs deem a bit sad for the patient. i wonder any patient got affected and went hysterical. hahaha...

this time round i only managed to finish the sutra once, probably becos i was writing slowly. it's over. yeah! radio? no problem!

immediately after the radio, we went over to ATU for my chemo. again the radiologist didn't lie to me. i waited less than 10 minutes and they pulled me in (cutting the super duper long queue) so that i could lie comfortably on the couch while waiting for the chemicals to be prepared.

the nurse came to explained to us about cisplatin chemotherapy. it sounded quite similar to the GCP chemo treatment except for 2 additional, oso the most horrifying ones: vomit and problem in passing urine.

the vomitting part, the nurse gave me some medications, instructed me how to use the drugs. this time round, no more "if necessary", it's compulsory.

the cisplatin causes a very heavy workload to the kidney, as such kidney failure is one of the possibilities side effect. it's also becos of this, during the process when cisplatin is infused into the body, a high amount of saline is infused in as well. by the end of the treatment, the patient should pass out 2 litre of urine before he could be discharged from the chemo (so that he is considered temporarily safe from kidney failure).

the treatment went though quite smoothly except.... i got problem passing that amount of urine. the reason is simple. during phase 1, usually before chemo i tried not to drink any water, so that during the treatment i didn't have to go toilet. i nvr expect the cisp chemo to be the other way round. before the treatment started, i went to toilet a few times to clear all the urine in my body. so before i started my treatment, i was indifferent from a dried mummy.

when i was told i need to passed 2 litres of urine, i told my wife to gave me the bottle of honey she prepared for me. i gulped everything in at one go. then the nurse told me that she'd need to add the quantity of the honey into the amount of urine before they can discharge me. so that made it 2.6 litre!! SHIT...

my treatment finished at 1245. but becos of this urine issue, i was confined until 1345. my poor wife almost bored to death. so what happened at 1345? did i successfully passed out 2.6 litres? no. i only passed out 2.2 litres. they closed one eye and let me go. well if a person could pass out 2.2 litres of urine in 2 hours, i doubt any body can question his renal functionalities.

it's now 2030 at night. i'm feeling quite horrible with the runny nose and non-stop sneezing. also, i'm feeling more tired than before. i just feel like lying down and do nothing. no appetite, no mood, no desire. i'm struggling to finish this post becos i know u want to know how am i doing. i need to stop here and take some rest. the war has just begun.

D Day

we woke up at 0600 in the morning. a little bit lack of sleep, we washed up and left home at 0645.

since day 1 my diagnosis till today, this is the first time my wife keep me company to the hospital.

the clinic took quite a long while to process incoming patients. though we were there punctually, my blood sample was taken at 0800 and i only got to see the doctor at around 1000. Dr. DL was on leave, what a disappointment. the lady doctor who stood in for Dr. DL didn't seems to bother much.

anyway, i didn't expect much from this consultation either. after 3 wks of break, it is only reasonable that my body should be ready for chemo. so as expected, i may proceed with the chemo tomorrow.

becos this stupid doctor was late, we didn't get enough time to grab a bite. after the consultation, we gotto rush to department of radiation oncology (which happened to be quite far from ncc) for my radiotherapy. good thing is i didn't need to wait long. bad thing is of course, my radiotherapy started.

the radio room is like a den to me, and i'm the lion going to be tied in the den. the entrance looks like a huge cave with some kind of automatic door just like the one mentioned in alibaba story.

i was directed into the room, removed my headdress, and lied down on a platform. the 2 radiographers tied the mask to my head, no blind fold, no infusion, except no movement during the process. any discomfort, raise the hand, they have surveillance cameras monitoring the room.

i wasn't that nervous compared to the MRI scan. this time i tried to focus on my fingers and toes. at least they were movable. then... the treatment started.

20 minutes was indeed a bit too long. i thought maybe writing something would be a good way to keep myself occupied. then i started to write The Heart Sutra (with my finger, on the platform). this turned out to be a very good solution. i remained very calm after i wrote the entire sutra once. then i continued to write it the second time. halfway thru the second time, 20 minutes up. no panic attack, no anxiety. my first session of radio finished just like that. during the process, no pain, no discomfort.

after the process, just feeling very tired. took a 2hrs afternoon nap, but didn't seems to help much. i wasn't too sure whether it's due to the therapy or becos woke up too early in the morning. maybe i'll know the answer after a few more sessions.

D-1

tomorrow.

i had quite a peaceful week especially during the day time. past few nights been having some nightmares. not directly related to my illness. perhaps subconsciously i'm quite fearful of what's going to happen tomorrow, just that i didn't realise it.

today, i jovially bid farewell to all my colleagues. it's my official last day of work. tomorrow i'll be getting a straight 2 months hospitalisation leave from the doctor, then post it back to office. i can feel how much my colleagues want me to stay. it's been almost 5 years i worked in the company. throughout the 5 years, i'd never utilise a single day of medical leave. never expect the first hit would be so hard.

my wife insists going with me tomorrow. actually i think it's not necessary. and i think i'll feel better if she doesn't come with me. ncc is not a place pple will like to visit. frankly speaking, whenever i was there waiting, i feel quite gloomy. whenever i was unhappy, i prefer to be alone.

tomorrow my day will start early. i'm leaving my hse at 0645. my blood test is 0730. this blood test is the same as those i did before chemo. it's actually meant for thursday chemo. 0915 i'll be seeing Dr. DL, he'll tell me whether I'm good to go for my phase 2 chemo on thursday. 1045 i'll be starting my very first radiotherapy.

i guess the first few days should be alright for me and i'm hoping that the side effects will only come in after 2 wks (which i think is a bit difficult). oh... btw, i didn't hit my target. my weight is recorded to be 73.9kg as of this afternoon. since radio is going to start, i'm stopping my junk-food eating w.e.f tmr.

waiting

i'm trying very hard to enjoy the every minute of waiting. life is so wonderful when i'm not required to go hospital, no chemo, and 100% good appetite.

pple around me has been falling sick. my parents, my colleagues, my sister. even pple who took the same bus or train as me. always hear pple coughing non-stop around me. despite the low immunity, i'm still healthy. other than my bald head and sparse eyebrows, i seems to look better than anybody around me.

i'm now 72.5kg, and there's a tendency to increase further before i start my phase 2. i set an easy target: 75kg by next wednesday.

life is not so perfect for me. i can no longer jog 5km (but i'm still jogging every alternate day). my heart is beating 30% faster than before (due to the low blood count). i get tired very easily, in fact i can sleep faster than 大雄 (大雄 can fall asleep by the count of 3, i fall asleep even before the counting starts). i'm not bothered by all these. 顺其自然. should i ever be bothered, it'll be the BIG thing that's going to happen next wk.

if u ask me how i'm feeling now, i feel like 17 yrs ago, 1 wk before i reported for army.

i wish my remaining 1 wk would be peaceful and undisturbed.