last day of work

today is officially my last day of work. after today, i'm going on "switch off mode". earlier on my boss has agreed that i work from home, but now he avoid bringing this up becos of the few projects coming in and already in.

still i dun care. the first two wks, i'll probably work 2 - 3 days a week, the last 2 weeks i can't guarantee, cos i'll again busy running hospital to do preparation for my radio therapy.

unfortunately, i'm not able to spend my "last day" peacefully in the office, i went to plaza singapura to meet up the DSTA guys regarding our application running in some of the military institutions.

i was early, and i saw carrefour having books sales outside ps. i saw a book titled "Cancer on $5 a day" by alan eisenstock. it's the true story of the comedian robert schimmel, on "how humor got me through the toughest journey of my life". the book was selling at $8. when i paid at the cashier, i pointed at the big "$5" sign and asked the auntie, "can i buy at $5?" the auntie got a shock. hahaha.... singaporean not homourous at all...

after the meeting, i went into carrefour wanted to buy a clipper to trim my hair. yesterday my mum got a shock on my appearance, i think i really look very scary, so time to do something again... i didn't manage to find a decent one in carrefour ps. i recalled carrefour suntec sold many of these clippers, so i took the circle line to promenade. exiting the station, i ran into a friend of mine (who is oso reading this blog). when i saw her, it was too late for me to hide (the path was quite narrow). it all happened in split second. i was looking at her, she was talking to her friend but eyes looking in front, we were less than 2 metres away, then....

miraculously, she didn't notice me (or recognise me). good and bad. good thing is i'm not prepared to face her. i would probably feel very uneasy talking to her becos i wasn't prepared to run into familiar faces. bad thing is... she didn't recognise me!!! i guess i really look very different now.

tried out the new clipper i bought. from the front, i look good but it's so difficult to trim the back, since i can't see behind. i guess it probably look horrible. hahaha... but doesn't matter, as i said, i dun mind look ugly, but i mind look like a cancer patient, esp now when i can still live a normal life. i wish to be seen as a normal person.

hospitalise II

i made the right decision in bringing in my mp3 player and laptop. without these, my stay in the hospital would hv me killed by boredom. the sleep was quite bad, but slightly better than i expected (i'm always prepared for the worst).

woke up at 4am in the morning, i listened to my mp3 player and did some stretching/static exercises on the bed. 5am i went to take a shower, wash up. now i'm feeling so fresh.

the room opposite mine was packed with pple, somebody is leaving this world. i was wondering did the same thing happened to this vacant bed that i'm resting on. it's so sad that someone is leaving the world. be it the one lying on bed or those crowding around. the farewell is forever. all that's left are memory. suddenly thought of a song: Elegy

When I am laid

I'm laid in the earth

May my wrongs create no sorrow

No sorrow in your heart

Remember me, remember me

Don't forget my face

Remember me

Don't forget my face

i dun care, if i died and there's a wake, i want this song to be played every few hour, somebody please do it. hahaha... it's so sad if somebody passed away and nobody remember him. then what's his value? this guy must be a total failure. it doesn't matter if pple slowly forget about me (better still, don't grieve too long over my departure), but i hope the first few days i departed, spend a little bit of time think of the days we spent together. they formed up my life story.

YEAH!!!! the doctor came, he told me i can discharge early if i want (9am or 10am). of course i want!!! i dun think the lunch here would be better. ;)

my final countdown: 3 hours

hospitalise

although this wk is my break week, but i'm now in hospital. i'm spending a night in this 6-men dormitory, surrounded by 5 old men. (my bed at the centre).

nothing serious. becos i need to be hospitalise in order to claim full scale from my insurance, so i warded myself in. sound stupid right? yes. I dun like the idea too. but for the sake of money, especially at this critical time, i hv to bow before reality.

i received a shocking email. khoo teck phuat hospital engaged us for the project and sent us their requirement specifications. now i need to worry about how my replacement going to cope. i foresee that the IT work in my company will turn out a mess under my KAY KIANG boss leadership. previously we quarreled over some conditions and today the requirement specifications proved that he is totally wrong. i dun care, i told my replacement to clear the shit with my boss. but it's a matter of time only, the problem will come back to me.

i regretted. i really should hv requested at least a B1 ward. it's so warm here. how am i going to sleep tonight? i thought the hospital suppose to be well-ventilated? for the sake of money, endure.... endure....

Count down to discharge: 17 hours...

break

this is wk 7 of my treatment which oso suppose to be my break wk. yes, break. i really need one badly. the nausea feeling has been affecting me so badly that i even hv problem drinking. everybody deserves a break. even me as a patient, i wish there r times i forgot abt my illness. to live and think like a normal person.

the same thing should apply to u too. if u were badly affected by my condiions and had been checking back here regularly, pls give urself a break. i dun hv a choice, but u do. even i dun hv a choice, i'm trying my best to be positive, adjusting myself to live to the minimal discomfort. the more u should stay cheerful, be appreciative to all the good things happening around u.

it is absolutely alright even if u choose to "stay a distance away" from me, that does not mean that u do not cherish me as a friend and will not affect our friendship. u noe, u dun need to die with me to prove how close we r. hahaha...

we can always catch up again after my treatment. =)

dental appointment

today i went to NDC for dental checkup. the dentist told me during chemo there's a possibility that i may get fungus on the tongue, so purposely scheduled for this check up. my next one would be early july, which is the time i do radio. radio will hv very bad effects on oral and dental. so it is necessary to do a check up.

yesterday on the way home i bought 2 pirate head scarves. today i tried wearing it the whole day, it was pretty comfortable. now i can no longer go out without head dress. i dun mind i look horrible, but i think i really scared children away. when i removed my head dress in office, i can see that my colleagues feel so "sour" when they saw my condition.

actually, i myself dun dare to stare into the mirror for too long. when i looked into the mirror, i will naturally think of all the shit that i'd gone thru that brought me into this stage, and what is to become of me in future. cannot, i think i will break down.

after the appointment, i went back to office. after handing over some of the responsibilities to my colleagues, i spent few hours clearing all the paper documents, shred, shred, shred... *time to... say goodbye....* next wk will be my last official working week. some more it'll be a short one, since i won't be in on wed and thurs.

my colleagues r getting worried over my absence. hahaha... good, time to make them realise my value in the company. ;)

despite the poor weather, i went jogging with my sister. today i managed to finish 7.5km without walking. but dunno what will happen tomorrow morning when i wake up. maybe i can't even get off from bed. hahaha...

side effects update I

life is so unpredictable. even the side effects seems to keep changing along the way.

last night i had a terrible night. no diarrhea, no runny nose, limited sneezing, BUT i couldn't sleep. :( lights off at 0130, i slept at 0330, woke up at 0530. i tried to listen to my body, and i discovered the problem lies with the heart. though not pumping very fast, it's pumping very hard, causing me discomfort. likewise when i woke up at 0530, the heart was still pumping very hard. as if i was all the while awake and doing some slow but strenuous exercise.

next thing is constipation. despite the great amount of fruits and fruit juice that i'm taking everyday, i experienced my first "die hard" since last 6 months. can imagine? i almost tear the toilet door down. hahaha...

fortunately the nausea seems to hv gone down a little bit. i can start sourcing for information on saturday buffet. :P

Chemotherapy Session IV

this is wk 6/19 of my treatment. it doesn't look that bad right? as if i'd gone thru 30% of the treatment. hahaha... not true, from june onwards i need to go radio therapy everyday. so the treatment i'd covered is not even 10%.

today is my 4th session of chemo. before i left for hospital, went to the coffee shop nearby to eat tee-kua chok (pig liver congee), good for the blood test mah...

this time round i wasn't that worry abt my blood test, cos this wk i'd been eating a lot of food to boost the blood count. the blood test result wasn't fantastic, but good enough for me to continue my treatment. yeah! in fact my blood count was even lower than last wk. so i think i really need to buck up by eating more tee-kua, beef and spinach. hehehe...

after registered myself for the chemo, i had abt 2 hrs free time. i walked to chinatown, popped into a kfc, ordered a 3 pcs original chicken meal, a meshed potato, a cheesy fries, and a cup of pepsi. shiok man... 吃饱了好上路. hahaha... something worth mentioning. the building where the kfc is caught fire after i left, all the pple were evacuted. so i very heng. hahaha...

this time round i was being assigned to a bed in morning glory suite. previous when i was in jasmine suite, i saw some of the compartments hv bed instead of couch. i used to think that bed would be more comfortable since the patient can lie down completely. not true. i feel that bed is too restrictive to my motion. i not so weak to the extent that i need a bed. i prefer a couch.

everything finished at 7pm, i was the last patient to leave ATU. the anti nausea jab didn't work well on me this time. unlike the previous treatment, i feel like vomitting even during the treatment.

fortunately i ate a heavy kfc meal in afternoon, 什么仇都报了, even if i throw out the dinner oso starve with no regret. hahaha...

other than the nausea feeling, things turned out to be better than last wk. i only sneezed a few times, little bit runny nose only, no diarrhea. i hope i can jog on friday, i shall try a slightly longer distance.

coming week would be my break week. life is wonderful, at least temporarily wonderful. =)

spirit

while clearing my mobile phone, happened to see this pic i took when i was in acs conducting user training:

at that point when i took this picture, i oredi knew abt my condition but treatment hadn't start. it somehow motivated me and i told myself i ought to fight well. even if i lost the battle, at least i tried my best. sounds a bit like a warrior leaving for the war right?

风萧萧兮易水寒，壮士一去兮不复还.

surprisingly it's only a month from then, when i looked at this picture again, my thinking totally changed. maybe that makes my battle of life different from the olympic games?

the most important thing now is to win, god damn the participation. if it's not for the final triumph, why am i struggling now? fight well is never enough, if i dun conquered, it's the end of my story.

醉卧沙场君莫笑，古来征战几人回？

Chemotherapy Session III

i held the report in my hand, once again i was feeling very depress and dishearten. i recalled what my treatment coordinator told me, if i need to postpone my chemo again, they'll need to terminate my treatment plan. i dunno what it mean. maybe they'll just conclude that i can't go for chemo and just leave me to die?

the acceptable White Blood Cells is 4-10, mine was 3.6. hemoglobin is 14-18, mine was 13.2, Red Blood Cells is 4.5-6.3, mine was 4.05. so, i failed the blood test again.

what went wrong? i'd been eating a lot of nutritious food and taking in a lot of iron, why did i fail again?

i was left with no alternative but to bring the report to the ATU (place where chemo is carried out) for them to "condemn" me. while waiting for my name to be called, my treatment coordinator came to look for me updating me all my subsequent appointments. i asked her abt my blood test and she said that i missed by a little bit, so they can still put me thru the chemo. i dunno how to explain my joy for that moment. but i think it's real funny: some body so happy that he is going for chemo. hahaha...

this is the first time my chemo was done in the "morning glory suite". there r 2 suites in nccs, jasmine suite and morning glory suite for chemo. each cater to abt 20 patients concurrently.

when i went into the room, there was oredi an auntie lying opposite in the room. looking at it, she's in the "elephant" stage. i took out my phone and snapped a picture on the room set up.

surprisingly, the nausea feeling didn't really come back at night. i expected myself to be having bad diarrhea, which happened the past 2 times. it didn't happen as well. the immediate side effect was non-stop sneezing and runny nose. it was so bad that the the mucus was flowing non-stop for the whole night. i even thought if it continued, i could be the first man in the world to die of dehydration due to flowing of mucus.

an alternative to clear the mucus is to blow it out. i tried once and i blew out blood from the nose. hahaha... so scary. in the end, i decided not to do anything and go to bed. it works. instead of mucus flowing out, i think it flowed down the throat.

i had a "dry" but peaceful night.

worse than chemo

7th april, another wednesday. i missed the appointment of doing the blood test. so things screwed up by quite a little bit. my treatment coordinator need to put me under urgent, cut me into the queue in order for me to keep up with my time schedule.

after a week break, i was feeling slightly better with the nausea feeling fell to a minimum, pimples and rashes going off. going back for chemo made my morale dropped a little, as i'm expecting myself to thru the same old shit again for the next 3 weeks.

it all came suddenly when my treatment coordinator appeared before me and said, "u can't go chemo today, ur blood count is too low." before i got over from my shock, she changed all my subsequent appointment, treatment date and then asked me to go home and rest and i was then suppose to be too weak for any activities.

i stood outside NCCS didn't know where to go and what to do. i was expecting that i'll be spending the whole day in hospital, but it just suddenly changed. come for chemo made my morale dropped, being rejected from chemo made me feel even worse. my 18 wks treatment become 19 wks. i wasted one whole morning in NCCS, 3 test tubes of blood in exchanged for a 1 wk extension on my treatment.

i was completely lost. i thought of going back office to work, thought of going home to rest. in the end i ended up in the train bringing me far from both my home and office. i just didn't know where to go.

i told both my sister and my wife i got rejected for chemo due to low blood count. my wife said she'll buy pig liver and cook for me as supper. my sister said we should be happy that i hv one more wk break, so she'll pack dinner home and we'll celebrate instead. hahaha... she so cute...

in the end, i didn't go back office. i went home. i googled on "low blood count", thought of what should i eat for the next 1 wk, how can i improved on my blood count. i hate this. i couldn't imagine if my chemo is postponed due to all these stupid reasons every now and then, when is my suffering going to end then? no, such things should not happen again.

forgive me

since day 1 i knew abt my condition, i made a selfish decision and declared to all my friends (even relatives) that i would be dedicating all my time to my family, ignoring all the phone calls, SMS, online messages etc.

dear friends, i wanna tell u, i really appreciate all ur care, concern and encouragement. many times when i was feeling down, it is ur words that lifted me up again.

i did not reply, becos i dunno how to reply. "thank u"? no, u deserve far more than a big "thank u". then, r we going to hug each other and weep over my mishap? hahaha... no, so sorry, that's not me.

initially, i got really pissed off by some of the phone calls i received. probably becos i wasn't prepared to answer all the funny questions. as for my friends, i guessed they too were not prepared for the news. when they heard about it, it is just natural that they wanna find out more.

the number one blown-my-top-off question: WHY LIKE THAT? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING ON U? i guess this friend of mine was feeling very sad and sorry for me. i read from some cancer forums that most pple when they first knew they got cancer, that's the first question they asked themselves, "why me?". this question nvr came into my mind. it's stupid and meaningless to brood over such a question.

the next question: HOW U DISCOVER? HOW U GET IT? friends who asked these questions probably got over from the shocking state, so they could ask something more "sensible". in order to answer to the first question, i need to repeat the old, long, dirty grandfather story. as for the next question, i think wiki can answer better than me.

the third question: HOW R U (FEELING NOW)? my answer to this question is actually very crude, "before u ask this question i was feeling ok, now i feel like shit." so far i dun think i'd gave this answer to any of my friends. if this is the answer u got from me, i hope u'll forgive me. i was agitated becos u reminded me of what i'm going thru.

i admit that emotionally i may not be stable (but still far from the extent of breaking down and cry lah... hahaha... ). i got heated up easily and can be very sensitive towards the words i received. so dear friends, i'm keeping a distance from u not becos i dun appreciate u as my friend. it's more becos i'm not ready to face u and i dun wan additional stress in handling "PR".

dear all, i read every single word that u wrote and i received every piece of thought embedded in the message. this is what i wanna tell u: i love u.

weight loss

according to my treatment plan, 3rd week was a resting week for me. doctor said that it would be a time where my immunity dropped to the lowest, underwhich my body condition would not be suitable to do chemo.

i started to develop very bad rashes over my thighs, neck, and even the face. acnes, pimples erupted just like volcanoes (i felt like i was back in 18 yrs old! hahaha...). my hair started to fall like the autumn leaves. the nausea feeling still continued.

i tried my best to jog every alternate days, keeping the distance below 7km. i ate 4 - 5 meals each day hopefully to gain some weight before i started to lose appetite.

29th of march, i weighed myself and found out that in less than 2 weeks time, my weight fell from 69kg to 64kg. i thought there was something wrong with the machine, so i brought 70kg of dead weight to calibrate the machine. after the machine was proven to be accurate, i switched on another machine to weigh myself again. then i was totally disheartened.

to other pple, losing 5kg in 2 weeks time may be a very trivial thing. but... i've been trying so hard to stuff myself with all the food, trying so hard to eat as much as i could, all my effort has gone to waste.

to think that i'm still able to eat now and i'm still losing weight, what will happen after my radio starts? i dun bother abt my appearance, but i won't allow myself to look ill in front of my parents and my wife. i dun wan to see their heart broken.

since then onwards, i'd been eating 6 - 7 meals a day. usually a double or triple breakfast, lunch, teabreak, dinner and supper. even if i'm not hungry, or dun feel like eating, when the time came, i'll look for food to stuff my stomach.

after a week, the result was pretty good. i managed to claim back 4kg and maintain between 67 - 68kg. although it's so hard to maintain, i believe i will be able to do it with my strong determination. i know it's going to be very tough and challenging, i will not allow my weight to fall below 65kg again.

Chemotherapy Session II

morning i went for blood test, wait for the report, brought the report to the Ambulatory Treatment Unit (place where i do the chemo), registered myself, then i went for lunch. this time round i clever oredi. i took my own sweet time to eat lunch, then after that brought out my laptop to play some online games. same thing, i was only called 2 hrs after my appointment time.

this time i lasted more than 2 minutes before i got knocked out by the small tube of chemical. again i woke up after Gemcitabine, then all of a sudden, i went hysterical. my arm was trembling and i felt like pulling out the needles from my arm. i gotto close my eyes tightly and clenched my the other fist to hold myself down.

at night, again non-stop sneezing and runny nose. the diarrhea was worse than the first time. i ran in and out toilet all the way until 3am.

to my surprise, the next day morning i was feeling much better than the first time except that the nausea feeling got worse. no migraine, no jaws pain, no burning sensation.

i rested one more day before i resume my run. or maybe i should call it jog now, becos i no longer hv the confidence to run. i jogged 5km, walked 2 km. next day i woke up with a fresh body and my heart was pumping well. then i rested for another day, jogged 6km, walked 1km. everything was fine. so i guess i just hv to be more sensitive to my body calls before i do anything.

Chemotherapy Session I

my nightmare began in 17th march 2010. death is not the scariest thing. the scariest thing is u dunno what they going to do to u.

my appointment was 1pm. i waited 2 hours, and i went in at 3pm. the nurse gave me a briefing on what is going to happened. basically chemotherapy is about infusing chemicals into the blood so that the chemical will go into all parts of the body to kill all the fast-multiplying cells.

in the human body, the white blood cells, haemoglobin, hair cells, nails cells oso belongs to fast multiplying cells which resulting in some side effects after chemo.

chemo treatment is different from other treatment. when u r sick and u undergo treatment, u will feel better over time. chemo will make u feel sick over time. instead of getting better, u get worse.

my first 6 sessions of chemo requires 3 big packet of chemicals each, namely Gemcitabine (1hr), Paclitaxel (1hr) and Carboplatin (1/2hr). My possible side effects hahaha... really, i almost fainted when i see the list. i feel like asking the nurse,"r u trying to heal me or kill me?" hahaha....

anyway, just for a laugh, this is the list:

Early Side Effects

• nausea and vomiting

• itching or pain at injection site

• appetite loss

• fever and chills

• diarrhoea

• constipation

• joint and muscle pain or weakness

Delayed Side Effects

• drop in blood cell count

• hair loss

• shortness of breath or cough

• swelling of fingers, feet or lower legs

• numbness, tingling or burning on fingers and toes

Inform doctor if hv following symptoms

• Fever of 38 degree or higher

• sore throat, cough, hoarseness or mouth sores

• pain or difficulty in urination

• skin rash, itching or unusual redness

• unusual bleeding or bruising or black stools

• shortness of breath

• tingling in hands, feet or ringing in the ears

• fatigue, lightheadedness, chest pain, palpitation

before the chemo starts, the nurse injected some anti-nausea medicine into my blood. then i started to feel like a elephant being put to sleep. why i said so, becos no matter how hard i struggled, i was knocked out in less than a minute.

i was awakened by the machine beep, indicated that the Gemcitabine was completely infused. after that i felt super lousy. to think that i'm fit and strong and tough, but just see how the chemical took me down so easily. i couldn't last even a minute. the next hour was torturing, tired but couldn't sleep anymore. morale dropped below sea-level.

the last 1/2 hour was horrible. when Carboplatin was infused into the blood, can really feel the pain inside the blood vessel. to think that my threshold of pain is high, i still can't help looking at my arm. the pain is like... like ur whole vein is swelling, going to burst.

i left NCC at 1830. after dinner at abt 2030, the side effects started to came in. from that moment onwards, "life" has become so "unpredictable". hahaha...

first is diarrhea, then non-stop sneezing. the worst is nausea feeling which came in 4 hours later. from then onwards, the nausea feeling has never left me. every moment i feel like vomiting, even when i was sleeping.

the next day i experienced severe pain in my jaws and very bad migraine. so bad that i had problem eating my lunch. i had some burning sensation on my body, as if i was being scalded by boiling water. it was so painful that i kept removing my shirt to check my body. night time, i got a swollen right foot due to water retention. think my kidney was weaken.

the third day, things seems to go back to normal except the nausea feeling. evening i went for a 7km run. the last 500m dash ended me up with irregular heartbeat. first time in my life i experience such weird heartbeat. i can hv 2 diastole and 3 systole, 1 diastole followed by 2 systole then 1 diastole, 3 systole, something like that. i was being terrified. remember? i dun wan to die. so i held my heart and kept taking deep breathe, walking around to normalise my heartbeat.

the fourth day morning i almost can't wake up. my heart is pumping so weakly that my body is weak. the chest was tight, but not to the extend of need to see a doctor. just that the whole day i can't do anything other than lying on bed.

the sixth day i went for run again. this time still a normal 7km, but without the final 500m dash. the seventh day i experienced similar heart condition. but slightly better than the first time. at least morning i could still work, i couldn't walk fast, i became short of breathe whenever i talked.

despite the nausea feeling, i tried to eat as much as i can. i vowed to try my best not to look ill so that my family will not worry that much abt me.

Dr. DL

Dr. DL was the best doctor i'd seen since the first day of my case. he is a abt 40 yrs old, his hair style is just like those pple who had gone thru 4 session of chemotherapy. i still remember my first acquaintance with him.

"u are a regular?", he asked.

"no i'm not."

"u were once a regular?", he asked again

"no, the only time i served army was more than 15 yrs ago during my ns."

"oh, u look like a soldier", he commented.

"u just had ur ict?", he asked again. i really wonder why he so interested in army.

"no, i MR oredi".

"so fast? how come?", he was very shocked.

"mine was 6 yr cycle."

"oh... u r a commando" he said.

"no, i was a commando, now i'm a cancer patient."

"dun worry, after the chemo, i guarantee all ur cancer cells would be killed"

it is this last statement that crowned him the title of best doctor i'd seen since my case opened. i'm sure he is aware of the responsibility of making such a statement. i also know that what he said may be exaggerating. after all who can guarantee? i appreciate his encouragement. unlike the radiation oncologist, Dr. DL encouraged me to keep up with my daily activities, just be more sensitive to my body calls.

3 wks later, when i saw him again in the consultation room, this is how he greeted me, "commando! looking good huh?"

"pls dun call me that, i'm now fighting for my own life", that's my response to him.

"dun worry, can see that u r doing very well, just keep it up and u'll be fine."

death

when we talk about cancer, we can't help relate it to death. this is not my first close encounter to death.

once was fever to 42.9 degree. nobody believe that i'm still conscious. i was being forced to shower in ice water for 1 hr. during that 1 long hour, i told myself i mustn't die. despite nobody is watching over me, i soaked myself in the ice water for 1 hr. after 1 hr, my temperature fell to 40 degree. still high, but the doctor gave up. hahaha...

my second close encounter was during ns training, our zodiac boat capsized. i went into the sea, wanted to overturned the boat, but got entangled by the rope at the neck. my fellow comrades without knowing that the boat was then tied to my neck, they tried to overturn the boat, which ended up suffocating me. with a 70kg body tied to the boat, the overturn attempts failed. then someone discovered that somebody got entangled under the water.

i was under the sea for about 10 minutes, then out of breathe for another 10 minutes. i survived.

this time round, it's a bit different. i know that i won't be dying overnight. but there is a bomb in my body which may explode anytime. i talked to a msw, she told me that it only take a small cancer cell to spread the cancer to any part of the body. cancer is not to be fearful, it is usually the relapse that kill the person. most pple after going thru the whole treatment appeared to be recovered. then there's a 5-yr DSS. then a 10-yr DSS. if the cancer did not relapse in the first 10 yrs, actually one is to be considered quite lucky.

so u know, chances that i may live up to 70 yrs old become very low. i may die at the age of 40, 45 or 50. maybe if i die at the age of 50, i should consider myself lucky?

after realising this, my life change.

what could be more important than survival? if i can't survive, so what if i'm the king of the world? so what if i'm happy? so now, everyday i'm telling myself, i'm so lucky that i'm still living.

love to live does not mean fear to die. i'm not afraid of dying. even if i hv to die in 3 months time, it's not so bad afterall. at least it's better than dying in a car accident, dying in earthquake, got humiliated till death, sudden death etc. i prefer to die this way, knowing how much time i left so that i can plan my remaining days and live to the fullest.

another good thing about dying at the age of 40, 45 or 50. at least i did not go through old age, and i'd enjoyed the best time of life. so looking at it from the other angle, it may be a blessing in disguise.

money

I think I'm quite fortunate that financially i'm still coping well. medical expenses are covered by insurance.

from may to july, i'll be going on 2 months hospitalisation leave, meaning i'll still be receiving my full salary; 1 month unpaid leave (if necessary can be extended to 2 months), but my boss is kind to offer me half my salary. i hv some savings, not a alot, but enough for me to go jobless for half a year.

i guess days when i'm not working, i probably will spend lesser. so who knows maybe at the end of the 3 months i manage to save up some money? hahaha...

one of my insurance agent friends asked me why didn't i buy insurance for critical illness. if i bought, i may be richer by 200k to 300k now. this is a funny idea. seriously i had no regrets in not buying such an insurance plan. if i ever purchased such an insurance plan, and today the agent gave me a cheque of 300k, i doubt i'll be in any way a happier man. who knows after putting the 300k into my pocket, i'll be more worry abt dying (cos got money but no life to spend). hahaha...

Radiation Oncology

the first station i went in national cancer centre (NCC) was Radiation Oncology. since the cancer has spread from the nose to the lymph node, the doctor assumed it's a stage 2 and planned everything according to a stage 2 treatment before further tests and scans r conducted. stage 2 treatment required me to go on 6.5 wks of daily radio therapy. to go for radio, i'll first need to get my dental clear. so i was referred to national dental centre (NDC). in order to confirm the staging, i need to do a series of test, scans. in order to do radio, i need to make a mask, test the mask. so basically every alternate day i was in hospital.

i got so sick of going to hospital. if there's a hell on earth, it'll be NCC. seeing all the cancer patients made one really depress. am i going to become like this?

finally on 11th of march 2010, all my reports were out. but again, no good news for me. the PET scan shown that the cancerous has grown upwards to the bone. so it is considered a stage 3 rather than stage 2.

the difference between stage 3 and 2 r:

stage 3 5-yr DSS is 86%, stage 2 is 95%

stage 3 requires chemo and radio

stage 3 treatment period is 16wks instead of 6.5 wks

at that point of time, i suddenly thought of a joke. i was just like a boy going for NS. mindef posted me to commando camp. after i went into the camp, i was told that i need to clear the ranger course. and, i dun hv a choice. hahaha... initially it's SIONG, now it's SIONG SIONG SIONG.

after this "shocking" news, they brought out a trial plan which seems to be very attractive, trying to lure me into becoming their guinea pigs.

stage 3 treatment plan is 16 wks, starting with first 7 wks radio daily, chemo every 3 wks. after that break for 2 wks, then chemo every 3 wk, but 4 consecutive time in the wk.

if i participate in the trial, they "GUARANTEED" the effect is as good as if not better than the initial plan. the trial consist of 2 arms, which patient may be randomly selected into one of the 2 arms.

the first arm consist of 8wks. first 7 wks, radio everyday, chemo every wk. wk 8 one more session of chemo.

the second arm consist of 18wks. 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 7th, 8th wk chemo weekly. starting from 11th wk, radio everyday, chemo weekly until week 18.

if signed for the trial, chemo is free. so it sounds like a good deal right? there's a possibility of reducing the 16wks to 8wks. also, i can avoid the dreadful 4 times chemo a wk even if i got the 18wks.

since i'm oredi doing my chemo, needless to say, i got into the second arm. 18wks. so immediately i was being referred to medical oncology. my first session of chemo is scheduled on 17th march, my nightmare began.

the verdict

18th feb 2010, this is the day my blue sky turned gray. in the morning i walked like a zombie to the hospital. it's like a convict waiting for a death sentence to be announced.

it was 10 days after my scoping and tissue extraction for biopsy. i still recalled on the 8th february 2010, the negative look the ENT doctor gave me after the scoping. this may not be a bad thing. at least i had a full 10 days to get myself mentally prepared before i hear the verdict.

when the verdict was read to me, i did not feel much difference in me. on the other hand, i was quite relieve to hear the doctor saying "chances of recovery is high". my calmness upset the doctor a bit. he spoke out slowly putting special emphasis esp on the last word, "the tumour in ur nose is malignant, you hv nose cancer'. i smiled and told him, "i know. it's not that bad afterall, u r not saying something like i only hv 3 or 6 months more to live, right?"

then, what happened next really made me hate all the pple in the ENT clinic. before i left the consultation rm, both the doctor and the nurse gave me the "feel" that they wanna hold my hands and say "hope to see u again". the same thing happened to the counter staff after referring me to national cancer centre. she told me to "take care" and gave me the farewell look.

after i "bided farewell" to all the ENT staff, the first question that came into my mind is "who to tell", followed by "how to tell". surprisingly, the first person who know is not my wife, not my sister too. it's my boss. probably becos i'm obligated to inform him but not required to write him long story. so this is easy. i wrote him a message "nose cancer. no mood to talk, lots of things to sort out, talk tmr"

i guess the most difficult thing is to share with the closest pple in ur life. the next person i told was my best friend. he called becos he knew that the report would be out. he was too shock to respond. i shared a bit on the positiveness of the condition to lighten the conversation. then we hanged up the phone.

my wife one was tough. she was shock. on top of all the positiveness ( i purposely changed the % of 5-yr DSS to % of fully recovery) of the condition, i need to crack some jokes to bring her back to normal. she did not break down.

my sister knew abt it the next day when i ran into her at the coffeeshop. when i told her, she cried. fortunately my brother-in-law was with her.

my parents knew about it few wks later after my staging was out. both shocked and remained silence throughout. one key point to note, my sister was the one breaking the news to them.

then i engaged some "representatives" to do all the PR jobs. my sister to inform and handle all "enquiries" from relatives including parents. my best friend to handle all "enquiries" from my friends. then i fired some emails, some SMSs, some facebook msgs to inform all those pple whom i think i should inform. all with the content of "seeking their understanding that i do not wish to be disturbed during the next few months".

my first post

different pple start blogging with different reasons. majority of them finds that their stories are unique enough to trigger pple's curiosity. i'm doing it because i wish my stories can help pple who hv similar conditions as me.

while writing this post, my nose is bleeding. the runny nose is very bad, worse then the previous two times after i had my chemotherapy. fortunately the diarrhoea does not come back tonight, the nausea feeling is not so strong as before either.

yes, chemotherapy. on the 18th february 2010, i was diagnosed by the ENT doctor that with NPC (Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma) or nose cancer. it was discovered through a swollen lymph node at the right side of my neck. scoping and biopsy shows that the cells are malignant and i was being referred to oncology.

so u know, this blog is going talk a lot about me as a NPC patient. for things that happened during the past 2 months, i'll try to backdate. anyway, i'll be having plenty of time after i stop working at end of april.

for friends whom i invited to read my blog, dun worry, u r not obligated to check back. i won't embarrass u by testing u on my postings. hahaha... i just wanna thank u for showing ur care and since i'd chosen to hibernate, i should at least provide a mean for these special pple around me to know what is happening on me.

if u r just a passer-by, and found this place because u r having a similar condition, i'm more than happy to be friend with u. though we r not fighting the same war, we do hv a common enemy right? :)