the first one is for remaking of the mask. the mask is made of special material and the purpose is to ensure that during radiotherapy, my head would be secured in position to the radiation.
as i said, remaking. initially before i decided to take part in the trial treatment plan, they made me a mask. since that was before my chemotherapy, i was still full of hair. this time, my head is round like an egg shell. logically, the mask made from the previous time should be slightly too big, but to everybody surprise, it fits on tightly to my head. owe to my effort in eating, i'd gained 4kg.
the girls were very happy (the 3 "facial" specialists). as their first customer of the day, i'm definitely an task to accomplish.
no remaking is needed, only some minor modifications.
the next appointment, exactly same location: radiation oncology, is MRI. i'd done this before too, and i hate it. i still remember the previous time i did the MRI, i almost go hysteria.
first i was told to lie on a platform, given a call bell. i was told at anytime of discomfort, i can just press the call bell. then the platform went in between a big "donut". then the machine started to produce a lot of loud and funny noise. in between the process, i was told not to make any slight movement, not even swallowing of saliva for certain period of time, some time 3 minutes, some time 5 minutes. the whole thing lasted about 30 minutes, then the platform moved out of the donut, the radiologist fixed the shell on my head, secured the shell to the platform, covered my eyes, sticked something to my nose. platform went in again. 2 x 5 minutes interval, same thing, the machine kept producing loud and funny noise. it was during the second 5 minute interval i suddenly felt panic. i wanted to move but i couldn't. i wanted to press the call bell, but that would mean i had to go thru another 10 minutes session again.
i didn't allow myself to go too much out of control, i tried to relax my muscles,
took deep breathe and count the number of breathe i took. i told myself to made a hundred count. by the end of the 100 count everything should be over. i counted 30+ and it was over.
the first 30 minutes was fine. in fact i think i did better than the previous time. despite the irritating noise, i was resting and relaxing in the "donut". i tried to recall my childhood. it's been so many years i tried to recall my childhood memories.
the platform rolled out of the "donut". the 2 radiologists and 1 of the facial girl set up the mask on the platform. first, i felt the mask was pressing very tight on my head. so tight that i could hardly open my eyes. my breathing was somehow affected too. although i could still breathe, but i seems to need the extra strength for the inhalation. then i was blindfolded. i never have problem with darkness. but this time round, the darkness has another implication, it's going to start. then they sticked something to my nose. then...
i pressed the call bell.
i think it is probably something very serious when somebody press the call bell. this could imply that the MRI need to be cancelled if the patient is in bad shape. i could feel that the radiologists and the facial girl were as anxious as me although i'm very sure i'm not the first one in history to press the bell. they quickly remove whatever they fixed on my head, and helped me sit up on the platform.
then we ran into a short period of embarrassment. i was sitting on the platform trying to catch my breathe, the 3 of them just look at me dunno what to say or what to do. i felt like giving up. from the moment they fix the shell on my head, to the moment they remove the shell from me is not even a minute and it's already so unbearable, how can i last 10 minutes?
i never know that i had claustrophobia. when i was in vietnam, i went thru 2 segments of the cuchi tunnels. complete darkness, enclosure had proven no effect on me. why am i behaving this way? is it physical or psychological?
i think they were waiting for my decision. no encouragement, no discouragement, no comment. the room was in complete silence. at that time i was very sure that the MRI would not be able to continue. since i pressed the call bell, mentally i'd given up. on top of the physical conditions, now i hv a phobia to overcome as well.
i can't tolerate myself to be the kind of person who will give up becos i think i can't do it. if i can't do it, i'll also want to make sure everybody seen that i'd tried. i maybe weak, but i'm dare to challenge.
i took a few deep breathe, and announced, "i'm ready."
suddenly the room became lively again. especially the facial girl, she was very enthusiastic. "maybe we loosen a bit", "maybe we tighten the side instead". this time she made sure she did everything slowly, made sure i was fine with the current step before she proceed to the next.
at first i thought i'll be giving up. but during the locking, i realised that this time i could actually flex my shoulder muscle to gain a very minimal movement on the head (maybe 1mm? maybe half mm? 苦中一点甜?). at that moment, my claustrophobia just suddenly disappeared.
10 minutes, i flexed my shoulder muscle thrice. when the platform finally rolled out of the donut, i was still cool and calm.
Ya it is probably due to anxiety. i had 2 MRI experience, it was like laying down face up in a very narrow 'tunnel' (not donut leh). And the tunnel wall is probably just a 2 centimeters away from your nose. you can feel your own breath. And yes it was not a good feeling, Like 任人宰割。 Shaoxiong
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