today is my last session of GCP chemotherapy. it marks an end to my phase I treatment. after today, i get to rest for 2 wks. during the break, i'll need to redo the mask, do the mri, ct scan. then i'm going to hell, radio everyday and cisp chemo every week.
i'm not anxious abt today's treatment. my coordinator made it clear. whether i'm fit today to go for chemo, there's no more changes to my schedule. so it becomes like, if i get it today, it's a bonus treatment. if not, forget it.
my blood test was pretty bad, those in brackets r acceptable range.
white blood 2.7 (4.0-10.0), last wk 4.3
hemoglobin 12.6 (14.0-18.0), last wk 13.0
platelet 223 (140-440), last wk 500
red blood 3.85 (4.5-6.3), last wk 3.99
lymph 46.7 (15-41), last wk 23.3 (this sounds scary to me)
when i sent the report to ATU, the doctor there dun dare to decide whether i should go for the chemo. so they contacted Dr. DL. Dr. DL chose to wait for my liver and kidney functioning test before deciding whether should i go for it.
the wait wasn't long. i was sitting in the couch 1 hour later. the moment the nurse gave me the anti-nausea jab, i felt like throwing out. interesting. same thing, the next moment i felt like sleeping. it's just like a psycho patient going for hypnotherapy. "by the count of 3, 1... 2... 3... tick!" that's it.
this time round, the IV point was near to the elbow join. it's so much better. at least when the carboplatin was infused, i dun feel the pain.
the hypnotherapy is slowly losing effect on me. half an hour later i woke up. i spent most of the time reading robert's story. coincidently, it was talking about his chemo and all the side effects he was dealing with.
"I wake up in the middle of the night with a searing pain in my stomach and an overwhelming and immediate need to take a shit. I lurch into the bathroom, plop down on the toilet, and -- The next thing I hear is a siren's warr-warr..." piles + constipation = pain + KO. both piles and constipation r side effect of chemo. "It's like Al Qaeda living in my asshole." i dun hv such a big playground for Al Qaeda to roam. but mas selamat is still on the run. tentatively, it did not pose much problem as i'm eating plenty of vitamin Cs and fiber.
lately i'm feeling quite depress. time is slowly draining all my motivations away. i started to feel myself like a zombie, misery slowly accumulating. i thought of putting a stop to it, but how? i really dunno how. i tried to do some soul searching, i realised that my mentality is wrong. in order to feel motivated, u must imagine winning. every action is a step closer to the goal. but my objective now is just to get it over. dead or alive i dun quite bother. so it's no longer a goal, i'm just burning my life meaninglessly.
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