phobia

i was reminded a few times yesterday that today i need to fast for 4 hours before i do my CT simulation at 10am. during the last reminder, the nurse even stick a piece of paper on my appointment card which i found it so silly and redundant. i felt like telling the nurse, "i have cancer, not alzheimer."

this morning i woke up at 7am. happily brought my mug to the refrigerator, poured a mug of cold powerberries juice. i saw the bread my maid prepared quietly sitting on the kitchen bench. i grabbed it and i toke a bite.

by the time i "recovered" from my "alzheimer", it was too late. half the bread and half mug of powerberries juice already in my stomach. frankly speaking i really dunno why i'd become so muddle-headed. i felt so sorry for myself. i called ncc at 9am, and told the nurse about my problem. the nurse said the fasting is due to some patients having side effects on the medication taken during the simulation. since i did not hv any side effects previously, it may not apply to me.

phew! so i need not reschedule my appointment.

CT simulation is more relaxing. they even had a music player in the laboratory. it made me wonder if the music is for the staff or for the patient.

they (2 girls) spent a few minutes trying to get me into "position", adjusting my shoulder, neck, head to align with the green laser beams. then they took out... the MASK!

shit... i guess now i really hv some phobia with this piece of shit. the moment i saw it made me palpitate. one of the girl seems to observe my uneasiness, she said, "just close ur eyes, the simulation last only 10 minutes."

ya, 10 minutes isn't very long. if i can't even make it for the 10 minutes, how to go thru the 33 sessions of radiotherapy which requires me to put on the mask for about 25 minutes? if it's a phobia, i definitely need to overcome it.

i dunno if distraction is the best solution for this. but it seems to work if i'm able to distract my thinking from the surrounding. i tried to relax my body, think of how am i going to spend the long weekend. think of friends whom i'd not seen for a long time (yes, including u). surprisingly i did not encounter any difficulty throughout the entire 10 minutes. i remained very still even after the simulation, until i was instructed to get up. maybe it's the blindfolding that caused the problem? maybe it's the pounding noise from the MRI machine? maybe i'm magnetic?