give up

"This feels really bad, Dad. I can't... I can't... I don't want to feel like this anymore, Dad. Right now, this moment, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't see it. This is really, really bad. Everything hurts so much. I feel so weak..."

"Take me to the window, I want to jump. That way I decided when I'm going to die and how. And if I do it this way, I take the cancer with me. The second I hit the sidewalk, it dies with me. I kill my fucking cancer. I want to jump, Dad..."

i dunno how to describe my misery now. the only time i'm not in pain is when i'm asleep. the moment i woke up, the first thing i gotto face is my burnt throat. even if i'm bloated, i need water. more water. it doesn't help at all, but psychologically it makes me feel better.

meals. every meal i feel myself like a rambo charging towards the enemies with a GPMG. i need to get all the vulgar words in mind, curse and swear all the way to finish my food, not to mention how bad my food taste.

this evening, my wife got a shock. after i ate the spinach, i had a feeling that somebody was cutting my tongue. the cutting sensation hurt so bad that tears were bursting out. i wasn't crying, but the pain was intolerable.

the first time i thought of jumping down, it didn't seems to be a bad choice to me. why the fuck am i going thru this? i can't even say that at the end of the treatment i will be fine. after all these shit, i may still die. why am i doing this? it would be better if i die now.

alternatively, maybe i should just walk up to the doctor and tell him, "no, i'm not going to do this anymore. chemo still not so bad, maybe u want to add a few more sessions for me. radio, i'm going to fuck it."

now, i dun even dare to count the number of sessions i'd gone thru. the number seems to be catching up so slowly compared to the side effects. i dunno who will die first. cancer or me.

i'm losing myself...