drugs

my first line of defense was broken when i decided to take some drugs for pain relief. i wasn't trying to be a hero. all the while i refused to take drugs becos i knew one day i'll need it. i dun wan the day to come so soon. today, when i was doing my chemo, a man who is oso suffering from NPC but came in about a week later than me, he is oredi on morphine everyday. the nurse told him to be prepared for a feeding tube inserted into his throat once he got constipation.

i dun wan that. i can't imagine how it feels to hv something dangling in the throat, swinging swaying when i walk around.

to date, i was prescribed with whole bagful of medicine. different kind of anti-nausea pills, pain killers, lozenges, "appetizer" (to stimulate the appetite), laxative pills, "asshole poker" (to be poked into my own asshole when i hv constipation), anesthetic gel etc etc. i doubt the drugs r going to improve my quality of life in any way.

today, i decided to give up and try something. the reason for my giving up is becos as of today, i gave up everything with menthol or mint. i can no longer stand even very little bit of mint. it cut deep into my tongue and the pain lasted hours. last night after i brushed my teeth, my entire face turned pale, i was sweating. something stronger would probably knocked me out in the toilet. then i'll be the first man in history, admitted A&E becos of brushing teeth. so today i changed my toothpaste. i'm now using the children toothpaste, blueberry flavor. hahaha...

no more lozenges, meaning i got to throw away all the fisherman's friend, ricola, woods peppermint lozenges etc. so now i must look for alternative. i picked the anesthetic gel prescribed by Dr. DL. the drug name is xylocaine viscous solution. the instruction by doctor was 2 teaspoonful, but the box indicated 1-2 teaspoon. so i tried with 1 teaspoon.

it taste like... sorry, beyond description. i'd nvr taste something like that before. it's not bitter, it's more unpleasant than bitter. really, beyond description.

the effect, steady. in 10 minutes time, the mouth down to the throat no longer belongs to me. 100% cold and numb. i can shout louder than the NDP parade commander. i can eat kentucky fried chicken, swallow the whole piece of chicken without chewing it. the "magic" lasted only half hour.

yes magic, real magic. although the feeling that the mouth no longer belongs to me wasn't that great, i suffer no pain for that half hour. i eat my food like my normal days (except it's tasteless).

i dunno how to thank Dr. DL. yes, 对症下药. i dun need "appetizers", i dun need pain killers which r going to cause me constipation, i'm no fucking gay and i dun enjoy poking my own asshole. the radiation doctors were not answering to my calls.

Dr. DL is great. i didn't tell him much. i just told him that i no longer eat so well becos of all the sores in the mouth and throat. he didn't even tell me he was going to give me these. i only knew it when the pharmacist passed it to me.

if i'm going to use this before my every meal (i'll still try not to), i will never lose weight, and i consider my quality of life to hv GREATLY improved.