endure

the past 4 days were really nightmare for me, and i think the worst is yet to come. my condition got worse and worse over time. now, i can no longer speak. i need to reject all the phone calls becos i lost 100% my voice. my throat is so painful it causes a very bad migraine. so instead of squashing my throat, most of the time i'm squashing my head. the ringing in the ears never go off for 3 days, even now it's still ringing. the best part, my tongue. i got two big holes on the tongue bleeding continuously. the pain, dunno how to describe, maybe like somebody using a hand-drill on the tongue?

every sip of water i need to force it down my throat. eating is a complete torture to me. frankly speaking, if i'd finished my radiation treatment, i rather go on empty-stomach.

half hour before any meal, i need to take the pain killer. before i "officially" eat my meal, i need to take the anaesthic gel. then i hv only 5 minutes to eat the food. the pain will start coming back after 5 minutes. u may think maybe the food is too hard for me. no, i'm taking soft liquid food like porridge and cereal.

well, most of the time i wasn't able to finish my food in 5 minutes. so what happen when the pain comes back? the very first time, i actually broke down and cried. my wife got a shock. i tried my very best to hide my tears from her, but no, the pain, the suffering, the misery overtook the rationality. my wife didn't know how to response to me. i could see the tears in her eyes, but she was trying very hard to control.

i learned the lesson. the moment the pain starts coming back, endure, eat faster, endure harder, eat even faster. if it gets too painful, stop.

the time that i spent lying on bed gets longer and longer. the pain is causing too much fatigue on me. sleeping is now the best activity for me, provided i can sleep. due to the pain and also the dryness of the throat, i need to drink a lot of water even in the middle of the night. so actually i didn't really get quality sleep at night.