psychological change

i kept mentioning that psychologically i'm not alright, but so far i didn't mention what really happened in me that makes me come to this conclusion. last night, i finally talked to my wife regarding this and we'd come to the decision that if this continues for a month or two, i'll seek help from a psychiatrist.

so what happened so seriously that i think i need to see a psychiatrist? remember the MRI experience i had somewhere in May? you can read it if u don't. http://bluesky-mg.blogspot.com/2010/05/anxiety-disorder.html

there's one thing i must emphasize, before i got contacted with this stupid big C, i was perfectly alright. when i was a boy, i always like to hide myself in the cupboard, under the bed, the better concealment, the more secure i feel. i had no problem with complete darkness or enclosure.

but now, the problem has degenerated so much. when i woke up in the middle of the night, i need to put the light on. if not it would took me less than 5 minutes to feel suffocated, than the next thing i'll do is to dash to the window to catch my breathe, as if my head was immersed in water.

this is still not so bad, as i'd made an agreement with my wife that if i turned on the light in the middle of the night, just ignore me as i don't want to stress myself into sleeping.

nowadays my body gets cold very easily. my bathroom has got a small ventilation window. i wish i could shower with the window closed, but i couldn't. the moment i closed the window, the whole bathroom is enclosed, and i started to feel suffocated. ok, this is still quite private. the next one is going to affect my social life, definitely.

since i'm now much weaker than before, my wife and i always take taxi to and fro the hospital. guess what, the moment the cab door was closed, i started to feel discomfort. despite the air-con is blowing, the interior of the taxi is big enough for me to move around, the only thing i can do is to close my eyes, head down and hands together to prevent myself from winding down the window.

i think i had developed rather serious claustrophobia over this period of time. the causes could be due to all the scanning and the radiation therapy. these could hv physically worsen the situation. another possible cause could be due to the illness itself, ie. CANCER. ever since i was diagnosed with this, everything is beyond my control, the only things i'd been doing r follow instructions, don't give up, endure. as a cancer patient, i lost all the freedom to choose (unless i choose to die). my life was being confined to that of a cancer patient. i'd been confined for far too long and i refused to confront the feeling as i worried i might just break down. that's how it resulted to my condition now.

whatever it is, i hope this thing will go away before i returned to normal daily life. if not, i'll seek treatment. since i'd gone thru cancer treatment, what is claustrophobia, right?