some of my friends suggested i should do a count down. that should helps motivate myself during the tough time. thanks for your support and ur heart. i know u guys hv been keeping me in mind. but there's something u dunno.
yes, logically, i'm left with only 3 sessions of chemo, 12 sessions of radio, everything is going to finish in 3 weeks time. if i was in army, this would be my ORD date, if i was in ranger course, this should be considered end of my hell week. but dear friends, this is not.
who can guarantee after these i'll be remitted? who can guarantee after all these, all the side effects will be fully subsided? who can guarantee even if i got remitted, in the next 1,2,3,4,5 yrs there'll be no relapsed?
u know what is cancer? wiki says cancer is a class of diseases in which a group of cells display uncontrolled growth, invasion and sometimes metastasis. those cells r mine. u know how strong and fit i used to be? u know how difficult this thing developed in me? u know how difficult to kill these fuckers? they r not normal cancer cells, they r cancer cells in a fucking big tough man. i'm still alive, how would they die so easily? if the doctor tells me, "err... we didn't manage to kill the beast this round, i think we need to do these all over again." how do u think i'll react?
i'm scared. damn fucking scared. so scared i think i would pee my pants if i dreamed about it at night. dear friends, do u understand?
i know, it's something beyond our control, better not to think abt it. why count down? what is there to look forward to?
My friend, there is one word known as "HOPE" (I don't mean the religous way). It is the same word that had made (and is making) the entire human species to still stay alive until today. It is also the same word, that had and is going to make millions of dreams come alive from begining.
ReplyDeleteYes, some "HOPE" turn to become reality and some sadly failed. However, do this mean that one should not have "HOPE"? What is a life without "HOPE"? And what is the purposes of planning a future (most people plan, isn't it)if one has already foresaken "HOPE"?
If you do not have a single "HOPE", even if you are breathing, are you still consider alive? If one is struggling to live and still holds on a "HOPE", will anyone deny his existence?
The "count" is the sign of "HOPE"... Don't ever lose it...
There so many words of encouragement which I should say to you, but in the end, I realize what I really want to do is to give you a hug. *HUG*
ReplyDeleteIt's alright to be frightened, for we are just human. Take a rest if you are too tired, but never ever give up.
If I were to say that I had never fear, straight away i will be is penalized. Who never fear and the limit of fear for everyone count different.
ReplyDeleteIf death is already nothing to a person why dont do a bet and fight and be a happy person through.
Whether is a victory or not but in the end the choice of joy fighting is in your hand.
I know is not easy but I choose to trust that you can because the choice belongs to me.
You are already a hero to me because Jesus had choosen you and make you as a trademark into our hear.
ww,
ReplyDeleteindeed one never know what will happen. Dun talk about few years later..just think, do you know what will happen tomorrow? or even next minute? next second? no one know and that is what that keep us hopeful.
it because of the unknown that keep us going. it because the doctor told you that you have a high percentage (again..not sure, but possibility) that you are going through what you are going through now.
so i agree with you, why bother to countdown. like what you told me before, be in operation mode. sleep, eat (when you can), drink (when you can), go for treatment, sleep, watch tv, sleep, wake up, eat.... and just take each step as it comes. cos' we never know what will happen.
for all you know, maybe you live to be the oldest human on earth? does it matter now? to me, what i think it matter is, you are still hanging on, still going through. and that ww, is the reality for you, for your wife, for dad, mom and me.
hang on, ww..whatever it is, zz is with you, not physically but mentally and spirtually.
love you,
zz