getting ready

when it comes to this time, whether i like the idea of counting down or not it doesn't matter. becos everybody is counting down for me. from the auntie registrar in radiation centre, to the therapist, to doctors, nurses, whenever they see me they'll say something like "it's in sight", "tomorrow last one", "ending soon" blah blah blah...

i know they r happy for me. but there's something they dun see. Dr. DL said, "good thing is it's going to finish soon, but be prepared, the last week and the week after your last treatment would be the peak of ur suffering." yes, good thing is i'm going to see light, bad thing is, only after the darkest hours.

today, the last second day of my radio treatment, i'm getting a new kind of pain which is probably an accumulative effect from my last week treatment. becos of this new pain, i need to redo my battle plan. if i am to go on just like that, i dun think i can survive the toughest time next week. i used the morphine.

prescribed dosage is 10ml every 4 hours. i tried 5ml. morphine, one of the best substances in the world. it numbs u straight from the nerve so that the brain no longer response to pain, the effect is almost immediate. now i understand why it's so widely used during war time.

after the 5ml, i managed to sleep comfortably for 2hrs 35mins. then the new kind of pain came in which really drives me to my nerves. it's like toothache kind of pain (in the nerves, not on the body), i gotto keep banging my own head to relieve the pain.

that was the time i told myself i gotto use the morphine more. dun bother about the side effect. if i dun, i dun think i can make it thru next week. i'm going to learn to love it, kiss it, fight for more of it, make full use of it.

i hold my wife from going home this week. actually i knew that the past one week is a tough one for her. she deserves a break from this. but too bad, at this point of time, i need support.