death

when we talk about cancer, we can't help relate it to death. this is not my first close encounter to death.

once was fever to 42.9 degree. nobody believe that i'm still conscious. i was being forced to shower in ice water for 1 hr. during that 1 long hour, i told myself i mustn't die. despite nobody is watching over me, i soaked myself in the ice water for 1 hr. after 1 hr, my temperature fell to 40 degree. still high, but the doctor gave up. hahaha...

my second close encounter was during ns training, our zodiac boat capsized. i went into the sea, wanted to overturned the boat, but got entangled by the rope at the neck. my fellow comrades without knowing that the boat was then tied to my neck, they tried to overturn the boat, which ended up suffocating me. with a 70kg body tied to the boat, the overturn attempts failed. then someone discovered that somebody got entangled under the water.

i was under the sea for about 10 minutes, then out of breathe for another 10 minutes. i survived.

this time round, it's a bit different. i know that i won't be dying overnight. but there is a bomb in my body which may explode anytime. i talked to a msw, she told me that it only take a small cancer cell to spread the cancer to any part of the body. cancer is not to be fearful, it is usually the relapse that kill the person. most pple after going thru the whole treatment appeared to be recovered. then there's a 5-yr DSS. then a 10-yr DSS. if the cancer did not relapse in the first 10 yrs, actually one is to be considered quite lucky.

so u know, chances that i may live up to 70 yrs old become very low. i may die at the age of 40, 45 or 50. maybe if i die at the age of 50, i should consider myself lucky?

after realising this, my life change.

what could be more important than survival? if i can't survive, so what if i'm the king of the world? so what if i'm happy? so now, everyday i'm telling myself, i'm so lucky that i'm still living.

love to live does not mean fear to die. i'm not afraid of dying. even if i hv to die in 3 months time, it's not so bad afterall. at least it's better than dying in a car accident, dying in earthquake, got humiliated till death, sudden death etc. i prefer to die this way, knowing how much time i left so that i can plan my remaining days and live to the fullest.

another good thing about dying at the age of 40, 45 or 50. at least i did not go through old age, and i'd enjoyed the best time of life. so looking at it from the other angle, it may be a blessing in disguise.